March, you're an asshole.

I’ve been quiet around these parts lately. Those that know me know that’s unusual.

This post will probably piss some people off. I don’t care. This is my blog, my avenue to vent. I have a lot to vent. If you don’t like it, stop reading. Go away.

March has been one nasty asshole around here. “But Jen, you went to Hawaii in March”. Ok, March 11th through March 31st has been a nasty asshole.

Things around here have been at an all time low. Feelings have been hurt and people have felt attacked. Yes, I have said things out of anger that shouldn’t be said. Things I do feel are true and valid feelings to have, but should not have been brought up in the heat of the moment.

Those that know me, really know me, know how much I detest snow/cold weather. I have said since I was young that I want to move away from the Midwest. It’s just not for me. So it was a shock to very few people when I announced that I was moving to Phoenix. But then the job in Phoenix fell through. So I started searching again. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone, it just is what it is.

I totally get that some people live close to family no matter where it is to be close to family. I do really get that. But, I believe that you can live anywhere and still be a family. I don’t think you should live somewhere you don’t like for the sake of being close to family. Yes, it will take a little more effort, but it doesn’t mean people just plain don’t care. Maybe I feel this way because I grew up differently than most of the people in this family, and that’s ok too.

I do feel like the black sheep around here. I do feel like things are different. I’ve said it all along and it’s a feeling I still stand by. I grew up 5 hours away in a place much different than this, with people much different than this. I’m not saying it was better there, it was just different. I went off to college, 2 hours closer, but still the only visit was half of my college graduation. The only time visits were made were trips I made here, which were infrequent on an independent college students income. So, yes, I was closer to the ones I was familiar with. I wasn’t this involved in the day to day lives of people around here until 2 years ago, at 24 years old. That’s a lot of time and a lot of growing up that was done somewhere other than here, in this environment.

I know I’m a sarcastic smart ass 90% of the time. Most of the time it’s just who I am, which is something you didn’t/don’t know about me. And, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s a hell of a lot easier to just not let anyone in than it is to get hurt by someone you trust. A witty retort or smart ass comment is my go to response, my knee jerk reaction. But, it wasn’t always this way. I used to by shy, painfully shy. I avoided confrontation at all costs. My idea of being ballsy was joining show choir and having to dance and sing in the front row. But, to my friends, I was the Jen they still know today.

No, I don’t go out and do things a lot. First of all, I’m a homebody by nature. Second, I don’t frequent many places that Avery can’t just go with me. Also? I leave her 3 nights a week as it is. The nights I’m off I want her at home, in her own bed, and spending time with her. I don’t think that’s abnormal and it’s something that is important to me. Dinner with friends? They all know Avery and love her. Lunch dates, aquarium trips, malls Avery goes to them all. I’m not typically a go out to the bars kind of person. When I do, yes, it is infrequent. I don’t particularly enjoy the types of people that frequent the bars anyway so I see little point in going. Yes, I haven’t seriously dated anyone in…..yeah. But, I honestly just can’t be bothered. I’m ok with it just being Avery and I for now. And I get that I’m a hard-headed loud mouth that says the first thing that pops into her head. I know that it’s going to take one hell of a man to deal with that. I have my doubts about the quality of “hell of a man” left anyway.

The way I feel like I constantly have to defend myself isn’t normal. It is automatically assumed that I had a hand in anything that goes down. I 100% believe the worst is always assumed in me. This isn’t an ok way to live. I don’t think that’s an ok way for ANYONE to live. It’s hurtful to know that people I’m supposed to trust can/will call without notice and say horrible things. Some of them without knowing the whole story. I’m not sure where our relationship would be if Avery hadn’t come along, but I’m certain it wouldn’t be like this.

I’m not happy with my life at the moment. *I* feel like a change is needed. I feel like I spent too many years pleasing other people in the past and I want to do what makes me happy. Yes, I have considered my daughter in this. She was and always is the basis of all of my decisions. You can say what you’d like about my decisions, but they are mine to make. I won’t let the words or actions of other people affect me anymore.