Budgeting! Holla!

It's worth a gander, right?!  

Holy moly

I just want to squeeze her. All the time. I can't help it, she's too cute.

Carrots and hummus with my favorite person

And a lovely Monday evening.

This happened this morning

After I left Morning Glory Prayer on my way to work this morning.


Woah.

What an awesome start to the day.

One Night With The King

Tonight was the culmination of what our church family has been working so hard on. A formal even for the women. What a blessing it was. Everyone looked amazing. The church was beautiful. The message was life changing.

My feet are sore, my brain is numb. I can't remember the last time I got more than six hours of sleep.

But my soul is happy.

Worked to the bone

I was tasked with making lap scarves for all the ladies at church. By Friday.

O_o

I spent a large majority of the day sewing. And sewing. And sewing. I haven't even touched a sewing machine in YEARS so I first had to brush up on oh..... Say.....threading the darn thing. Thanks to my mom I got it figured out through phone calls, texts, and pictures.

I have 18 more to go. I'm completely out of lace. Sheesh.

Excuse me. I'm going to go ice my fingers.

Because sometimes there are no words

Yes, that's the bathroom. Yes, that's the family. The whole family.


-__-

Fair time!

We had a great time at the fair!!

Avery loved the ferris wheel. Keianna loved all the lights.

And right now? The deep fried turkey is done and mmmmmmm. I'm gonna eat myself into a coma.

Fair time!

We're on our way to the fair in the next town over. Tomorrows post will likely include pics.


My brother is ridiculously excited about this. So is my stomach.

New phones are hard

I'm not as smart as my phone. Boo.

My new iPhone 4S can do more things than I need it too. But, it doesn't cut the grass which is lame. It's not a very good spooner either.

But I like the pictures it takes. So there's that.

bangs life

I got bangs. Well maybe a couple months ago, but now I'm blogging and now you're gonna know about it. Mkay? Mkay.

You like? I think I like. Also? I need to dye the hairs again. They're fading fast. The blonde is taking over. And I've been plucking greys since the birth of the bangs. Oh noes.

Well, this is gonna change some things.

I sent this and the previous picture from my phone.

Woah.

I'm salty tonight. and exhausted

It's still 11/3 here. Soooo technically I didn't miss a day yet. I wonder how I change the time zone on my blog.

Anywhoooooo

I worked a 16 hour shift last night/this morning. Sweet, right? Right. Except then work screwed me and called me off tonight. All of which would have been time and a half. Boooo.  But, I'm grateful for the 4 hours of double time anyway.

Tomorrow I have to go find a formal dress. Wish me luck. Muh ladies don't do formal dresses well. Then tomorrow night I volunteered at the church until midnight. Date night and I'm keeping everyones kids so they can go out. Yep, the whole church....all....the.kids. ::gulp::  Good thing Tiff and Brandon are playing ride along.

Today at school, Avery told her teacher that her favorite food was grapes. Proud mommy moment. Also? I promised to go buy grapes for her tomorrow. But I guess there could be worse things she wants.

heeeyyyyyy

What y'all doing?

Sorry, I just can't help myself sometimes.

Day 2 of Nablopomo and here's my post.  Are ya ready?! It's a good one.

God is good.

Boom.

Nablopomo

Today is the first day of NaBloPoMo. What is NaBloPoMo? Do I have to do everything for you?!

Admittedly, I haven't written much lately in the blogosphere. But, I have been writing. On paper. With a pen.

The recent happenings:

The toddler has been in school almost a month. Holy.crap.

I've made some rockin dishes in the crockpot. Thank you, Pintrest.

The aforementioned toddler is quickly approaching the 3rd anniversary of her birth. (hold me)

I've been taking classes at work to climb the clinical ladder. I'm almost at Super Nurse of the Universe status, they're personalizing my cape.

I think I might take photography classes AND grad school in 2012. Yes, I really am that dumb.

And then this happened

Um....preschooler? Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot??

(No, that isn't our potted plant fence....thanks neighbors. Also? Ewa Beach could use some rain.)

HOW did this happen? And of course I totally went  I didn't go check on her before we left the shopping plaza she has school at after 3 hours 30 minutes.

Sometimes God rocks my face off.

The people renting my house are moving out today. It's been a huge issue and the result was breaking the lease early. This left me in a position to have to pay Octobers mortgage. October is also the month I enrolled Avery in preschool. Private preschool.

Crap.

Instead of stressing I just prayed. "God, this ones on you, I can't worry about this." And left it at that.

Today the people in my house were SUPPOSED to be moving out. I got an email this morning. "Can we stay until the end of the month?"

A-freaking-men.

And just like that? BOOM. Prayer answered.

New blogger layout deleted all my spaces. HOLY LONG PARAGRAPH BATMAN! Sorry!

::gigglesnort::

I've been bad and I'm not sorry. Yeah, I said it. We've been getting involved at church, yo. And it's fun. Lots and lots of fun. Bible study every Tuesday night (except I work the next two Tuesdays...hmpf). Church on Sundays. We usually stay and talk for awhile after. Then family dinner every Sunday. And the first Friday every month?! DATE NIGHT! But, I don't have a date. Meh, I 9th wheeled it to Dave and Busters this month. But, I've also been studying the Bible on my own. I'm working on everyday. And we have HOMEWORK from Bible Study! And I've been posting lots and lots of things on Pintrest. Except today I DID one of the projects. Yay me! I'll post pics when it's done. The paint is drying out on the porch right now. And I've decided I'm going to start building a photography portfolio. So, I have lots and lots of ideas mulling around in my head. I really need to get them down on paper. (Mental note) ::forgets mental note:: Tons of locations and ideas for shoots. And the scenery here?!?! Yeah, I'll be spending a couple days just driving around the island with my camera. No word yet on grad school admission. Fingers crossed for whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing with the next year of my life!

I'm gonna do it......

make grad school my bish.

Fingers and toes crossed for an acceptance letter for Spring of '12!

And while we're on the topic, could someone convince the government they should pay for it? Mkaythanksbye.

something isn't right

And I don't know what. But something keeps telling me that something is wrong. I feel like I'm waiting on the other shoe to drop.

But I don't know what it is.

sunset

::crosses 'photograph a sunset' off bucket list::

When is enough, enough?

My life has been stuck in a cyclic pattern for over 3 years.

Being nice.

Having doubts.

Fighting.

Building strength.

Moving on.

Being happy with life and not having any doubts.

Late night phone calls from unknown numbers.

And then it all starts again.


I'm breaking the cycle. I'm done. Saturday I changed me phone number and email address.

That unbelievable guilt is back that I feel every time the calls start again. But I'll deal with it again and know that I am making the right decision for my daughter. And I'll also know there won't be a next time. Because now I just live on an island in the Pacific. There is no number to call to make me upset. There is no email address to flood with messages.

If you need my contact information, please email me through the blog and I'll get back to you. (In the process of switching everything I lost all my phone contacts. If I had your number before, could you please message it to me again? Thanks.)

My hairs got in a fight

With a bottle of color. My blonde roots were showing....oh noes.

You like?

I'm sure as of now many people have heard of the tragedy at the Indiana State Fair yesterday.

My heart goes out to those in my beloved home state that are hurting right now.



My roommate and I sitting in that very place 3 years ago watching the very same performers.

I'm not sure what I can do but sit here and pray. So, that's what I'll do. Sending my love and prayers from all the way over here.

Oh, pintrest, you dirty little minx.

I'm hooked. I LOVE browsing for new ideas. And my family LOVES the new recipes I've tried.

And oh, all the ideas I find. If only I had the means to do them all....::le sigh::

I had a birthday.

It was last week. It was great. Dinner with the family, an embarrassing display and a video to send my mom. Ate empty calories all day so my sugar plummeted right before dinner...yay. Anywho....

Someone wished me a happy born day. Which made me feel....::shiver::. Because I don't want to think about me being born, and my mom's...........................................................................................................................................................::shiver::

That one about my butt

Before you get all "where ya been gurl!" I have a story for you. About my butt. Yep, I've been gone for weeks and return to tell you about my butt. Did you really expect anything less?

I have a genetic condition I was born with (thanks mom). Called a pilonidal cyst. Don't google it. Trust me. Basically, it's a cyst (usually empty) near your tailbone (aka: top o' muh crack). Except I'm super special and lucky and mine is really deep, actually near my tailbone. Because of this I have a sinus tract, an opening to the surface of my skin. It's tiny tiny, not noticeable, at the top of my crack. But what happens when you have an extra hole, on your butt, leading to a cavern? You guessed it, sometimes it gets infected. Which is super effing gross, but what can you do right?

So, my ass got infected...again. This is the third time since 2003. I've been told that's actually a great track record. You know, cuz I bathe and I'm a girl without all the hair and gross things on a boy butt. I waited and waited to see if just soaking it and heat would take care of it. Last Friday night, at work, it got bigger and more painful (sitting is awesome when my ass is pissed off) and I was running a low grade temp. Aces.

I got off work Saturday morning and went to the ER. The doctor asked me to wait a few days to see if it would get closer to the surface of my skin. I told him to just give me the damn scalpel and let me do it myself. After some convincing, a doctor cut my butt. Instant relief! Except then they pack it with gauze, which hurts like an em effer. And now I'm on antibiotics and narcotics.....weeeee! But sitting doesn't hurt anymore.

Moral of the story: I need surgery, on my butt. To remove the cyst so it stops collecting fluid.

::ahem:: Enjoy your dinner! :D

Things I love right now.

1. Pintrest. Seriously, like whoa.

2. Sun tea. I do believe I'm on my 3rd gallon in two weeks. For shame.

3. The little lady Avery is becoming.

4. Sunglasses and driving with the windows down.

5. Reading.

6. Being nerdy.

7. We heart it.

8. Making lists. (See #6)

9. The color aqua in various patterns and textures.

There are two babies playing at my feet.



Life is good.

Hiatus

I've learned one very important thing about myself since moving. Writing is therapeutic to me. It's something I do a lot of when I'm stressed. Stress isn't something I've felt a lot of since moving. There have been some minor things since moving, but most of it I've just chalked up to feeling things out.

Instead Avery and I have been settling into new routines in new places. We've been adapting to living in a house with other people instead of just being the two of us. We've imposed new rules and done away with pull ups. Y'all my baby girl is now in panties 24/7. How did THAT happen?

But, we've had a lot of fun. There have been photoshoots, and trips to the park, and walks, and sidewalk chalk, and bubbles.

I haven't forgot you and I still love you. I'm working on my new daily routine here and working on fitting in at a new job. Avery has had her growing pains too. She learned that it ISN'T ok to push her cousin off the couch. Just bear with me as we figure things out.

But now to answer your questions:

Jamie: You might have to share my bed, but sure you can stay with me! ;)

AuntBT: My sister and brother-in-law live in Hawaii. I came out in March with my mom for a visit to see my new niece. They asked me if Avery and I would like to move out here. The answer was obvious. Eight weeks later Avery and I were on a one way flight to Honolulu.

CBG:



This ok? ;)

Eileen: Sister and brother said "Wanna live in Hawaii with us?" I said "Uh, duh". The End. I did have a job before I moved here. I was blessed with TWO job offers before I set foot on the island. It definitley made me thankful for my career and the flexibility it allows. I AM loving being with my family everyday. I was always closest to my sister growing up and it's so nice to be close to her again. Hawaii is beautiful. I still catch myself taking in all the scenery. The culture is taking a lot to get used to, I'm still not accustomed. The baby is AMAZING. She thinks her Aunt Jen is hilarious and I adore her snuggles. Avery knows there is a park and beach less than 5 minutes from the house so she LOVES it. Everyone can come visit! I wish someone would! I'll get a hotel in Waikiki.

See! Hawaiian countryside. Amazing.



Beach (camera phone...still equally beautiful)



And the two cutest little girls on the island.

Let's chat.

Seriously guys. I know I've been absent the past month or so and I know a lot of you have questions. So, ask me anything. Seriously. And I will do my best to answer it.

I really feel like I'm in a better place than I was last month at this time. I'm not only referring to my physical location. Mentally I'm in a better place.

So, lay it on me. Anything that you've been wondering or things that have occurred recently. You could ask me why my kid is so cute, but just know that it's all me. Really. Why did I go to Hawaii? What is my favorite pizza topping?

Just leave me a comment on this post and I'll have a follow up q&a post. If I have too many questions I'll do a second post.

Chat soon!

I pretty much love this.

::le sigh::

I need your help

I had a thought sneak back into my head the other day.

Going back to school.

I've considered nursing school. But what do I want to do with a masters in nursing? Teach? Be an NP? Work in an office? I'm not even positive I want to get a masters.

But, what about photography classes? I could learn so much more and be doing something I really enjoy. Do they offer online photog classes? I don't have the time or patience for live classes right now.

Which to choose? Or both at the same time, or separately?

All I do know for sure is my nerd bug has been biting recently and I feel the need to scratch.

And my shutter finger is getting itchy. I'm going to go out exploring for cool new areas to shoot eventually.

Outsiders

We aren't liked here.

We're main-landers. My family is a military family.

We're the minority.

Hawaiians don't want us here. They would very much like all of us main-landers to go back to the main land and let them be their own country free of the US. I guess it never occurred to them how much the US, the military in particular, pumps into this economy. Without tourism and us "outsiders" this island state would collapse.

So far I haven't noticed it a lot, but Thursday and Friday I spent most of the day trying to get my RN license in Hawaii. Something, I've been told, that would have been much easier if I was a local. Nonetheless, Friday afternoon I finally annoyed the office to death and I got my license. I haven't yet started my job, but I'm curious to see how I will be treated there.

Hawaii doesn't have enough money to run most public offices and schools on Fridays so they have "furlough Fridays". Everything is closed. But because this is an aloha state they spend Monday and Tuesday recovering from the 3 day weekend and Thursday preparing for the 3 day weekend. So work really only gets done on Wednesdays. They also embrace the aloha with 2 hour lunches everyday.

Don't get me wrong, it is nice living in such a laid back, relaxed place. Until you want to get something done. Until your job calls you and says that you have to have you license by Tuesday or they can't hold your position and you call the Licensing Division and they could give two shits less. Then you devise a plan with your brother-in-law to zip tie the lady and hold her hostage until she issues your license.

I'm only 20% joking about that last statement.

In spite of not being wanted here by the locals, Avery and I are enjoying ourselves here. It is such a different culture from the midwest. We even went to a southern baptist church last Sunday. That's weird, right? A southern baptist church on an island in the middle of the pacific.

And when Avery wakes up in an hour or so? We're headed back to the beach!

I know, life.....it's rough right?

Aloha from Hawaii

Hi guys!

I pretty much dropped off the map there for awhile, but we were busy settling in to our new home in Hawaii! The day after we got here Avery and I headed to the beach with my sister and niece. My sister and brother-in-law were still in their apartment so we spent a few days after that moving into our house.

Avery has been loving on her cousin.



And getting spoiled by her aunt and uncle.



We went to the beach again last weekend. Avery was pretty nervous about it and kept telling Uncle Brandon to be careful. By the time we left, she was liking the water ok.





Avery is doing surprisingly well adjusting. We have had a few moments, but for the most part she is listening well and not testing too many boundaries.

I have more to talk about but I have to run. Just wanted to give a quick WE'RE ALIVE AND WE LIVE IN HAWAII NOW update!

Oh, and my car got here today. I missed it more than I probably should. It only took about 3 weeks!

Tata for now.

Crunch time

Who am I? What day is it? And why am I still awake?

It's down to the wire around here folks. Which means, I'll give anyone a big fat kiss and booby honk if I could just get a few hours sleep. And a diet coke. Because I think this love affair with diet coke runs deep.

WHY IN THE NAME OF CHEEZE WHIZ AM I AT WORK TONIGHT? Oh you know, I'm just moving 6,000 miles in THREE EM EFFING DAYS!!!

And I work tomorrow night too....yep, I know. Slow learner. Also? I like to torture myself.

I ran around like a lunatic most of the day today. (Yesterday, it's after midnight, but still my today since I haven't been to bed so shut up.) And I also thought all day that it was the 28th, but knew it was Friday. My dad's birthday is the 29th, today was actually the 29th. ::facepalm::

(10 minutes passes)

Oh, sorry, I got distracted staring off into the abyss. My brain checked out there for a second.

::yawn::

Tonight is going to be rough.

Oh! Look! A blog!

I’m not going to apologize for the hiatus, it’s been much needed. Much, much needed. A lot of crazy things happened in a short period of time and I was overwhelmed. At the end of my rope more times than I can count. Thank you so much to those that were there to lean on when I couldn’t handle it all myself. You’ve helped me more than you know. I took time to do a lot of thinking and reflecting.

And packing. And making arrangements. And doing a whole lot of praying.

Next Tuesday Avery and I are moving. To Hawaii.

We were presented with an amazing opportunity and chose to jump on it because you only live once right? I’m not positive how long we will be there and where we are going after, but I am choosing to enjoy the chance while I can.

Things with this move have worked out much easier than my previous move attempt. Making me think that this is what I’ve been waiting on all along. Also? Yesterday I got an amazing job opportunity. I’m still weighing my options, but relieved to have two offers waiting for me when I get to the island.

It’s crunch time right now. My car leaves tomorrow to head to Hawaii. The storage unit in my driveway is being picked up on Friday evening. I still have to finish out 2 more shifts at my current job.

So for the last 6 weeks or so my life has been consumed with a move. I’ve also decided that I really need to get into the car shipping business. Holy Tom Sellecks mustache! That’s where the money is!

Sorry (kinda) about my absence. Swearsies I’ll come back eventually. I also solemnly swear to try to figure out my blogger app on my phone. That should make things easier!

New pics

I know I don't have to say things have been crazy around here. Y'all will probably just roll your eyes and sigh anyway. BUT! I brought new pics with me! Forgiven? A little?

If you're my Facebook friend, or read my last post, you know that things have been....difficult. I'm laying low and biding my time right now.

But, enough about that. LOOK! Pretty!













Gaaah, I love the shit out of that kid.

March, you're an asshole.

I’ve been quiet around these parts lately. Those that know me know that’s unusual.

This post will probably piss some people off. I don’t care. This is my blog, my avenue to vent. I have a lot to vent. If you don’t like it, stop reading. Go away.

March has been one nasty asshole around here. “But Jen, you went to Hawaii in March”. Ok, March 11th through March 31st has been a nasty asshole.

Things around here have been at an all time low. Feelings have been hurt and people have felt attacked. Yes, I have said things out of anger that shouldn’t be said. Things I do feel are true and valid feelings to have, but should not have been brought up in the heat of the moment.

Those that know me, really know me, know how much I detest snow/cold weather. I have said since I was young that I want to move away from the Midwest. It’s just not for me. So it was a shock to very few people when I announced that I was moving to Phoenix. But then the job in Phoenix fell through. So I started searching again. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone, it just is what it is.

I totally get that some people live close to family no matter where it is to be close to family. I do really get that. But, I believe that you can live anywhere and still be a family. I don’t think you should live somewhere you don’t like for the sake of being close to family. Yes, it will take a little more effort, but it doesn’t mean people just plain don’t care. Maybe I feel this way because I grew up differently than most of the people in this family, and that’s ok too.

I do feel like the black sheep around here. I do feel like things are different. I’ve said it all along and it’s a feeling I still stand by. I grew up 5 hours away in a place much different than this, with people much different than this. I’m not saying it was better there, it was just different. I went off to college, 2 hours closer, but still the only visit was half of my college graduation. The only time visits were made were trips I made here, which were infrequent on an independent college students income. So, yes, I was closer to the ones I was familiar with. I wasn’t this involved in the day to day lives of people around here until 2 years ago, at 24 years old. That’s a lot of time and a lot of growing up that was done somewhere other than here, in this environment.

I know I’m a sarcastic smart ass 90% of the time. Most of the time it’s just who I am, which is something you didn’t/don’t know about me. And, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s a hell of a lot easier to just not let anyone in than it is to get hurt by someone you trust. A witty retort or smart ass comment is my go to response, my knee jerk reaction. But, it wasn’t always this way. I used to by shy, painfully shy. I avoided confrontation at all costs. My idea of being ballsy was joining show choir and having to dance and sing in the front row. But, to my friends, I was the Jen they still know today.

No, I don’t go out and do things a lot. First of all, I’m a homebody by nature. Second, I don’t frequent many places that Avery can’t just go with me. Also? I leave her 3 nights a week as it is. The nights I’m off I want her at home, in her own bed, and spending time with her. I don’t think that’s abnormal and it’s something that is important to me. Dinner with friends? They all know Avery and love her. Lunch dates, aquarium trips, malls Avery goes to them all. I’m not typically a go out to the bars kind of person. When I do, yes, it is infrequent. I don’t particularly enjoy the types of people that frequent the bars anyway so I see little point in going. Yes, I haven’t seriously dated anyone in…..yeah. But, I honestly just can’t be bothered. I’m ok with it just being Avery and I for now. And I get that I’m a hard-headed loud mouth that says the first thing that pops into her head. I know that it’s going to take one hell of a man to deal with that. I have my doubts about the quality of “hell of a man” left anyway.

The way I feel like I constantly have to defend myself isn’t normal. It is automatically assumed that I had a hand in anything that goes down. I 100% believe the worst is always assumed in me. This isn’t an ok way to live. I don’t think that’s an ok way for ANYONE to live. It’s hurtful to know that people I’m supposed to trust can/will call without notice and say horrible things. Some of them without knowing the whole story. I’m not sure where our relationship would be if Avery hadn’t come along, but I’m certain it wouldn’t be like this.

I’m not happy with my life at the moment. *I* feel like a change is needed. I feel like I spent too many years pleasing other people in the past and I want to do what makes me happy. Yes, I have considered my daughter in this. She was and always is the basis of all of my decisions. You can say what you’d like about my decisions, but they are mine to make. I won’t let the words or actions of other people affect me anymore.

A kinda long, way overdue, kinda update.

Yeah, I know, right? But where did Jen go? Or maybe you didn't care. Whatevs.

Things have been busy around here. There have been numerous changes. Most of which I'll be labeled an even bigger bitch for talking about right now. Cryptic right? I know...I'm so goth...pfffft.

And if I can be completely honest? I've just plain not felt like blogging lately. Everything I have to say lately has been grumpy and bitchy anyway. And who wants to hear that? Yeah, all y'all that's who.

And I feel like I've had to be in mamma bear mode lately. Mess with me but don't mess with my kid, mkay?

And it's been so NICE outside! Wait...what? Yep, I'm talking about the weather. How effing lame am I? But Avery and I have been outside every.single.day for a week at least. Walks, and parks, and lunches, and bikes, and rollerskates (with helmets!), and yard work, and watering plants, and planting new things. It's been so much fun just being with her.

I have a certification exam I'm studying for. Everytime I have a free moment I've been opening a book or website on the subject. I have about a month to get it in. I'm hoping I can do it faster than that so I can move my attention to other, more pressing, matters.

So, sorry y'all. Kinda. But I'll be back to myself...soon.

Naughty

I've been a bad, bad blogger. A good blogger would have scheduled posts and guest posts, yes?

I failed. But, I had an AWESOME time in Hawaii. Details to come soon lovelies. But for now, I'm off to work the next 3 nights. Back to reality, hard.

A letter to "Ben"...

Today Avery is 2 years, 2 months, and 21 days old. She is 813 days old. You have seen her 4 out of those 813 days. You have been a part of less than 1% of her life.

She is a sassy, independent, smart girl. She has continually impressed the doctor with her developmental advancements as well as her growth. She is taller than over 97% of other kids her age. Something she can thank us both for. She can run and jump and loves to be outside. She has recently started to love playing with “Heidi” her sock monkey that she has slept with every night since she was a tiny babe. Heidi goes on all kinds of adventures and she’s frequently in time out, although Avery can never tell me why. She has a blankie. She sucks her thumb, usually her right because she’s left handed.

She adores coloring. The refrigerator at our house always has at least one of her recent drawings on it. She also loves to sing. She always sings in the car with me or to songs she has heard on tv. She’s funny. I usually have a very hard time scolding her when she’s being naughty because she always says something to make me laugh as soon as she hears my stern voice. Time outs have moved to her bedroom so she can’t see me laughing when she’s being silly or singing to herself.

Dora the Explorer is one of her favorite people. We have Dora to thank for my barely 2 year old being potty trained. Because Avery can’t peepee on her Dora panties. Dora will be sad. And big girls go potty in their Dora potty. I frequently find myself bewildered that I even have a 2 year old, let alone one that is potty trained.

I painted her fingers and toes a few weeks ago for the first time. A reward for multiple days in a row with no accidents in her big girl panties. I love being there for all the first times. There have been so many and there will continue to be many, many more.

Avery has an attitude much, much bigger than she is. I hear at least once a week how full my hands are. “No mommy, Avery no want to” is something heard frequently around here. “Avery can do it” is heard just as frequently. She will do as much for herself as she can. And when she can’t, “Mommy, help you”. Being told no is something she cannot stand. She will throw herself down on the ground and cry or throw an arm across her face. Avery is very dramatic. But, even more than being told no, Avery hates to be ignored. She will frequently try to get my attention when it is elsewhere to tell me something. She starts softly and grows louder until she has my attention. “Mom, mommy, moooommy, MOMMY, MOOOMMY, JENNI” (Which usually gets her in trouble.) “Avery what?!” “Oh…hi”.

This is just a small glimpse at all you have missed.

When I asked you back at Christmas to stop contacting us, you did. Without even a little bit of hesitation. But now you are calling me at all hours of the night…and day. I will keep ignoring you until you either go away or I get so exasperated I change my number. But, I will not answer the phone or respond to a single message. I told you at Christmas that I didn’t want you just coming and going as you please. If you want to be a parent, be a parent. There are no days off in this gig. But, you’ve lost your chance with my child. You ARE NOT her parent. It takes a lot more than 23 chromosomes to be a parent, which so far is all you have contributed. I sincerely hope you do better with your other children. I understand that you can’t keep your stories straight and all you know how to do is be untruthful. And I’m not mad about it, really I’m not. But I do choose to not let Avery grow up like that. She will grow up in a stable environment surrounded by people that love her and would do anything for her. I firmly believe that it is better to be raised in a household with one parent that is happy and supportive than it is with two that are constantly arguing. She deserves to grow up in an environment where she never has to worry about when dad leaves again. She will never again have to talk to your voicemail because you won’t answer the phone.

She knows what a dad is. She knows that her cousin Nathan has one, but Avery just knows him as Uncle Ben. She knows that her mom calls her Papa dad. She also knows who you are. If she sees a picture of you she recognizes you, but that is it. She doesn’t ask for you. She doesn’t talk about you. It is her normal to not have a dad. It is all she has grown up knowing. I know the day is coming when she will ask where you are and WHO you are. I hope when that time comes I can find the right words to tell her about you. Words that aren’t clouded by my own judgments and painful memories, but words that do speak the truth. I will not paint a sunny picture of you. I will not lie to her. I want her to grow up knowing that I am always going to be truthful to her, no matter what.

So, please, stop calling me in the middle of the night. Stop calling from restricted numbers. Stop texting and emailing me. Avery is fine. She will continue to be fine. But I’m not going to keep you updated on her life. You lost the right to know that information a long time ago. You cannot threaten me, I’m not scared of you. You have no control over me. I don’t feel anything for you, good or bad, except pity.

I pity you.

What would you do?

A Facebook friend recently posted "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" (Thanks Ash!) And it really got me thinking.

What WOULD I do if I knew anything was possible? So.so.many.things.

I would leave nursing, or at least cut down to supplemental, and pursue photography full time. I would invest in a good computer, a few more lenses, and a new body.

I'd pack up and move sooner rather than later. To a beach house. Where I could play on the beach with Avery every day.

Going back to school has always interested me, but not for nursing in particular. Maybe I would take some photography classes? Get a photography degree?

Avery and I would travel. A lot. We would see places in Europe, the Carribean, and South America.

We'd learn languages. And eat new foods. (Oh I'd take a cooking class...or twelve.)

I'd make cheeseburgers good for you and chocolate would be a necessary food group. ;)

I'd cure cancer and immunological diseases.


What about you? What would YOU do if anything was possible? If, no matter what, you knew you would succeed. I would love to hear your responses.

Happy Birthday!

Happy second Birthday to my nephew Nathaniel!



Let's all wish him a happy happy day!

Aunt Jenni loves you buddy.

See you soon...

5 days!





See you soon!! <3

I'm aaaalmost 5 days away from our trip to see the sister, brother-in-law, and new niece.

Today I got most of the bag packed, Avery's carry on packed, the things for my carry on gathered, and extras purchased. I printed our itinerary and said a little prayer that I will be able to keep Avery entertained on the multiple flights.

And two days ago, my nook took a crap while I was reading a book. Awesome. It was frozen on the page I was reading for over 24 hours. But, thanks to a quick google search it appears to be functioning perfectly again. Now can we all just cross our fingers and hope that Avery lets me enjoy a few pages over the 9 days we are gone.

Also? How in the hell am I going to fit all this stuff in one suitcase, at less than 50lbs? I think I'm going to make Avery just wear all the clothes she going to wear for the week onto the plane. She'd love that right?

I have a few posts I've been mulling over that I may just post while I'm gone or over the next few days. Things that have been on my mind for a little while.

I have a new favorite

Could we just take a show of hands here?



This pic? It slays you too right?


::looks around:: Good, we're all in agreement.

One year ago.

February 11, 2010



February 16, 2011



A welcome change.



Tell me you don't want to kiss that chubby little chalk smudged face!





Wow, the sun went down fast in these pics. And the last couple could be edited a bit.

And yesterday. At 11am.



Pardon the spider shit. They wreak havoc on my porch all fall/summer/spring.