An uneasy feeling

I'm not sure many of you know about the crazy that is Avery's dad. Check here and here for a bit of background.

He contacted me the other night (well, morning at 0400) via text message. From another new number. That would be well over 10 new numbers I've had from him since I met him almost 3 years ago. What are his motives? What makes him keep calling/texting me? I was tempted to reply just to see what he wants. Has he changed? Is he checking on Avery or just starting the same drama again? Will he pretend to care and call and talk to her on the phone daily for a few weeks only to start the mind games up again? Am I wrong for not finding out what he wants? HAS he changed?

I'm leaning towards no, he hasn't changed for a few reasons. 1. Another new number, across the country from his previous number. (I know you can get numbers from anywhere but both this number and previous number are cities he has lived in or frequently visited.) 2. He called at 0400. When I knew him he would frequently go out or hang with friends until wee hours of the morning. Normal people with normal jobs DON'T stay up until 0400 on a Thursday night/Friday morning. And 3. I just plain don't trust him and doubt any attempt at a change is all a front and things will come crashing down again in a short time.

That sounds horrible right? I've ignored my child's father since June 3rd. I haven't responded to a single phone call or text message. That makes me the crazy baby mamma that won't let a father see his child. Have any of you met him? He is his own special kind of crazy. Yes, I would love nothing more than for Avery to know her dad. I would love for them to have a great relationship. And if I'm being completely honest with myself I would like for Avery's parents to still be together and living under the same roof. But, that isn't going to happen. I can't live with someone I can't trust. I can't have a relationship with someone when I don't even know his real name. I can't trust him with my child when he makes comments about taking her and disappearing. I can't ignore the feeling that something isn't right every time I see his name or a new number show up on my phone. My child isn't a pawn in a creepy little game.

Should I tell him she's happy and thriving? Should he get to know that she's hilarious, intelligent, and loves to cuddle with mommy? Or that she loves her blankie and thumb when she goes to sleep? Maybe he is just wanting to see if she's doing ok. But what gives him the right to know that? If he was here from the beginning he would already know. If he wouldn't have started with the games, he would know. If he would have been honest from the start, he would know.

Part of me wants to believe that things can change, people can change. But, part of me wants him to take a long walk off a short cliff...

She's almost 2

When did this happen? She's a little PERSON, not a baby.

She has a personality, and boy what a personality it is! She says the funniest things. She DOES the funnies things! Watching her learn about the world is the greatest thing. She's big enough for her own shopping cart!



She likes to sing and dance with mom in the car. She loves her blankie. Beware if a cell phone is spotted and SHE CAN'T HAVE IT! She hates more than anything else in the world to be told "NO". She can stop, drop, and have a fit anywhere....on command. She likes straw cups better than sippy cups because they're "big girl cups" but would much prefer just drinking out of yours. She claps and says "yay DeeDee bed" when it's time for a nap or bedtime. She's a lefty but still uses her right hand fairly frequently. She likes to count to 5 but always puts in a 9 after the 3.

Even though she's getting so big and learning so much she still needs her momma. She likes her boo boos kissed. Even long after they're gone. (I'm still kissing a boo boo on her foot at bedtime from 3 weeks ago.) She always say "hold you" and want to be picked up instead of walking across a parking lot. She LOVES to snuggle with momma on the couch before bedtime, which I'm more than okay with since I JUST stopped rocking her before bed.



Even though she'll be 2 in just a few short months and she's growing into her own person, she'll always be my baby girl.

<3 <3 <3

"But you only work three days a week"

I hear this rather frequently.

And for the record I work three NIGHTS a week.

And I get it. How awesome would it be to only have to work three times a week right? Well, for the most part you're right. I would rather go in and work 3 12 hour shifts then have to be there all week.

But lets look at a stretch of weeks that I've done more than once. The dreaded three on two off. Did you hear that? The nurses in the room just groaned, namely the night shift ones.

Now let me just say that before I start a three day stretch I like to clean the house and make sure all the laundry is done, because it's NOT getting done on the days that I work.

I started Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Sunday morning I got off work, went home and slept two hours and went to church. My parents bring Avery to church so I brought her home, fed her lunch, and attempted to get her down for a nap. I lay down for a couple more hours while she's sleeping. (If my last day isn't a Sunday I go get her from my parents when I get off or after I've slept a couple hours.) When we wake up I find small things for us to do in the afternoon. I'm still exhausted but don't dare drink any caffeine if I want to sleep that night. Sunday night I go to bed AS SOON as Avery is asleep and sleep until she wakes up Monday morning. Monday I have to do more laundry, pick up the house, run any errands that need done because the next day I'm right back at it for three more. Tuesday I try to take a nap with Avery and in the afternoon we play and I try to cook at least one big meal I can take for left overs to work. Then I work Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I get off Friday morning and WOOOHOOO it's the weekend, right? Well, technically yes, but I'm so flipping tired that I do nothing more than go to bed at 8:30 that night. Saturday is another day of errands because I'm back to work Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.

Let's review: Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Then Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Then Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. If my math is correct that is a minimum of 108 hours in 9 days. Anyone that works on my floor can tell you that you would be LUCKY to clock out at 0730, or 1930 for that matter. I can count on one hand the times I clocked out BEFORE 0800. In a 13 day span I put in 9 days, 108 hours. That's not that much? I'm being a baby?

Ok, ok I get it. I HAVE a job. And I'm eternally grateful to be able to provide a roof over my child's head and put food in her belly. I only wish I would be able to SEE her a little more often.

Thankfully this doesn't happen all the time, I would fall over. But it happens at least once every 6 weeks or so. Just often enough to make me want to cry.

Then benefit? The occasional 6,7,or even 8 days off in a row!! It seems we are all just working towards that big break. We hear it all the time. "Three more nights and I get 5 off". Or "After next week I have 6 off". It's sad that we wish our time away so quickly.

But in the mean time we just keep plugging away.

"I don't wanna be the rock anymore. I wanna be the hot one that gets taken care of and EVERYONE wants to have sex with me." Heard tonight on a sitcom.

Oh sister....I can SO relate.

Dearest Colts,

I love you. I will always bleed blue, no matter how long it's been since I lived in Indy.

But, pull it together y'all. We're 0-2 in our division. The way it's looking now, we're relying on the wild card for the play offs. We're better than this. I'm getting an ulcer. I'm already considered crazy here in Bengals country, you're not helping me out here. What happened to the team that played the Giants?

Next week, against the Chiefs, you better bring your game.

Smoochies, Jen

PS. Y'all looked HOT in that pink this week, especially you Reggie....ahem. ;)

Say hi to Conner

Everyone say hi to my new nephew Conner. The younger of my two brothers son.

I have a niece and a niece/nephew still cooking.

And this is what happens when you have 6 siblings....baybeh explosion!!

October 1st

Can someone tell me again HOW ON EARTH it is October 1st? This is absurd.

Do y'all ever make to do list of things that you would rather drink bleach than do? I have a separate list just for times when I feel like being cruel to myself. Phone calls to make (I hate making them), appointments to schedule, tasks to complete. I crossed of one freaking thing in September. It's my goal this month to get at least the majority of these things done. Refinish the hardwood, finish cleaning up the backyard, put up and paint porch railing, schedule a doctors appointment for myself, etc etc. Please tell me y'all have lists like that.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Many of us have a friend or loved one affected by the disease. I'm wearing this shirt to work tonight.



With hot pink pants. My great grandmother was a breast cancer survivor. My high school best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 24. She is a wife and mother of 3. She continues the fight daily. Clear, I am so proud of you and I know you are going to kick cancers ass. I love you. <3 <3 <3

Who are you wearing pink for?