Monday, May 3, 2010

How to deal

with the guilt. The constant guilt. The constant kicked in the gut feeling whenever I'm reminded of it.

Avery's absent father.

I know this was his decision. I know that he made the conscious decision to not be involved or to only be involved on his terms. But, I just can't help feeling that maybe I could have done something more. I feel guilty for being the one to finally say enough was enough and cut off contact with him a month ago. He continues to call and text one or twice a week. Whenever I see it the kicked in the gut feeling returns.

Will Avery be angry with me when she's older for pushing her father out of her life? Will she understand that I did the best I could to provide her with a stable, loving home? Will she believe me that he is just no good?

It angers me that he will only see her if WE go to see HIM. That he hasn't been there for a single holiday or birthday. He decided to hang out with his friends rather than witness her birth. He missed her first words, her first steps, her first laugh. He hasn't endured a single sleepless night, a single tear from her perfect little face, a single bump or bruise. It's because of this that I don't think he is a dad at all. A dad is there for all those things. A dad cares. A dad would drive 2 hours to see his child. A dad would spend a Saturday at the zoo with his daughter instead of a basketball game with his buddies.

I couldn't keep playing the game with him. The game in which we set up a day and time to meet or a weekend for him to come over only to not hear from him. Only to get unanswered text messages and voicemail recordings. She's old enough that she will start to know what is going on. Not ok. I refuse to let my daughter go through that game with him. Messing with me is one things, messing with my child is something different. I will not tolerate it.

I think I made the right decision. Our life in the month since we haven't talked to him hasn't been as stressful. I don't screen my calls anymore. I don't dread the phone calls. I don't hear the threats. But, I still can't shake the guilt.


Mom/Grandma said...

Just be honest with her and tell her what you just told us. When she is old enough she will understand. She may or may not agree. But as her mother, you are trying to do what you feel is the best thing for her and trying to prevent broken hearts and promises. Being a good mother is not easy, but is very rewarding. Do not feel guilty, he doesn't deserve it. love you both

leaving~the~girl~behind said...

I am a newer follower, 19 weeks pregnant, and have not heard from the father for almost 3 months. I worry often about how not having a dad around will affect the little one and wonder if there is some way I can fix it all. For me, it helps a little to know that there are other mommies out there who struggle with the same questions, but I agree ~ it is better to have no involvement from dad at all than to have him be in the picture, but unreliable. I'll be reading!

Nicole said...

I had the same hard decision to make. We have to do what will benefit our children in the long run. Keep providing her with a stable and secure home and you two will be fine.

Ashley said...

Jen you are doing the best you can for Avery. There is no way she could ever be angry at you. When she gets older you just have to remember to be honest with her and support her in what she decides she wants to do. You are an amazing mother and Avery will always know that. I love you!