Thursday, March 31, 2011

March, you're an asshole.

I’ve been quiet around these parts lately. Those that know me know that’s unusual.

This post will probably piss some people off. I don’t care. This is my blog, my avenue to vent. I have a lot to vent. If you don’t like it, stop reading. Go away.

March has been one nasty asshole around here. “But Jen, you went to Hawaii in March”. Ok, March 11th through March 31st has been a nasty asshole.

Things around here have been at an all time low. Feelings have been hurt and people have felt attacked. Yes, I have said things out of anger that shouldn’t be said. Things I do feel are true and valid feelings to have, but should not have been brought up in the heat of the moment.

Those that know me, really know me, know how much I detest snow/cold weather. I have said since I was young that I want to move away from the Midwest. It’s just not for me. So it was a shock to very few people when I announced that I was moving to Phoenix. But then the job in Phoenix fell through. So I started searching again. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone, it just is what it is.

I totally get that some people live close to family no matter where it is to be close to family. I do really get that. But, I believe that you can live anywhere and still be a family. I don’t think you should live somewhere you don’t like for the sake of being close to family. Yes, it will take a little more effort, but it doesn’t mean people just plain don’t care. Maybe I feel this way because I grew up differently than most of the people in this family, and that’s ok too.

I do feel like the black sheep around here. I do feel like things are different. I’ve said it all along and it’s a feeling I still stand by. I grew up 5 hours away in a place much different than this, with people much different than this. I’m not saying it was better there, it was just different. I went off to college, 2 hours closer, but still the only visit was half of my college graduation. The only time visits were made were trips I made here, which were infrequent on an independent college students income. So, yes, I was closer to the ones I was familiar with. I wasn’t this involved in the day to day lives of people around here until 2 years ago, at 24 years old. That’s a lot of time and a lot of growing up that was done somewhere other than here, in this environment.

I know I’m a sarcastic smart ass 90% of the time. Most of the time it’s just who I am, which is something you didn’t/don’t know about me. And, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s a hell of a lot easier to just not let anyone in than it is to get hurt by someone you trust. A witty retort or smart ass comment is my go to response, my knee jerk reaction. But, it wasn’t always this way. I used to by shy, painfully shy. I avoided confrontation at all costs. My idea of being ballsy was joining show choir and having to dance and sing in the front row. But, to my friends, I was the Jen they still know today.

No, I don’t go out and do things a lot. First of all, I’m a homebody by nature. Second, I don’t frequent many places that Avery can’t just go with me. Also? I leave her 3 nights a week as it is. The nights I’m off I want her at home, in her own bed, and spending time with her. I don’t think that’s abnormal and it’s something that is important to me. Dinner with friends? They all know Avery and love her. Lunch dates, aquarium trips, malls Avery goes to them all. I’m not typically a go out to the bars kind of person. When I do, yes, it is infrequent. I don’t particularly enjoy the types of people that frequent the bars anyway so I see little point in going. Yes, I haven’t seriously dated anyone in…..yeah. But, I honestly just can’t be bothered. I’m ok with it just being Avery and I for now. And I get that I’m a hard-headed loud mouth that says the first thing that pops into her head. I know that it’s going to take one hell of a man to deal with that. I have my doubts about the quality of “hell of a man” left anyway.

The way I feel like I constantly have to defend myself isn’t normal. It is automatically assumed that I had a hand in anything that goes down. I 100% believe the worst is always assumed in me. This isn’t an ok way to live. I don’t think that’s an ok way for ANYONE to live. It’s hurtful to know that people I’m supposed to trust can/will call without notice and say horrible things. Some of them without knowing the whole story. I’m not sure where our relationship would be if Avery hadn’t come along, but I’m certain it wouldn’t be like this.

I’m not happy with my life at the moment. *I* feel like a change is needed. I feel like I spent too many years pleasing other people in the past and I want to do what makes me happy. Yes, I have considered my daughter in this. She was and always is the basis of all of my decisions. You can say what you’d like about my decisions, but they are mine to make. I won’t let the words or actions of other people affect me anymore.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A kinda long, way overdue, kinda update.

Yeah, I know, right? But where did Jen go? Or maybe you didn't care. Whatevs.

Things have been busy around here. There have been numerous changes. Most of which I'll be labeled an even bigger bitch for talking about right now. Cryptic right? I know...I'm so goth...pfffft.

And if I can be completely honest? I've just plain not felt like blogging lately. Everything I have to say lately has been grumpy and bitchy anyway. And who wants to hear that? Yeah, all y'all that's who.

And I feel like I've had to be in mamma bear mode lately. Mess with me but don't mess with my kid, mkay?

And it's been so NICE outside! Wait...what? Yep, I'm talking about the weather. How effing lame am I? But Avery and I have been outside for a week at least. Walks, and parks, and lunches, and bikes, and rollerskates (with helmets!), and yard work, and watering plants, and planting new things. It's been so much fun just being with her.

I have a certification exam I'm studying for. Everytime I have a free moment I've been opening a book or website on the subject. I have about a month to get it in. I'm hoping I can do it faster than that so I can move my attention to other, more pressing, matters.

So, sorry y'all. Kinda. But I'll be back to myself...soon.

Friday, March 11, 2011


I've been a bad, bad blogger. A good blogger would have scheduled posts and guest posts, yes?

I failed. But, I had an AWESOME time in Hawaii. Details to come soon lovelies. But for now, I'm off to work the next 3 nights. Back to reality, hard.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A letter to "Ben"...

Today Avery is 2 years, 2 months, and 21 days old. She is 813 days old. You have seen her 4 out of those 813 days. You have been a part of less than 1% of her life.

She is a sassy, independent, smart girl. She has continually impressed the doctor with her developmental advancements as well as her growth. She is taller than over 97% of other kids her age. Something she can thank us both for. She can run and jump and loves to be outside. She has recently started to love playing with “Heidi” her sock monkey that she has slept with every night since she was a tiny babe. Heidi goes on all kinds of adventures and she’s frequently in time out, although Avery can never tell me why. She has a blankie. She sucks her thumb, usually her right because she’s left handed.

She adores coloring. The refrigerator at our house always has at least one of her recent drawings on it. She also loves to sing. She always sings in the car with me or to songs she has heard on tv. She’s funny. I usually have a very hard time scolding her when she’s being naughty because she always says something to make me laugh as soon as she hears my stern voice. Time outs have moved to her bedroom so she can’t see me laughing when she’s being silly or singing to herself.

Dora the Explorer is one of her favorite people. We have Dora to thank for my barely 2 year old being potty trained. Because Avery can’t peepee on her Dora panties. Dora will be sad. And big girls go potty in their Dora potty. I frequently find myself bewildered that I even have a 2 year old, let alone one that is potty trained.

I painted her fingers and toes a few weeks ago for the first time. A reward for multiple days in a row with no accidents in her big girl panties. I love being there for all the first times. There have been so many and there will continue to be many, many more.

Avery has an attitude much, much bigger than she is. I hear at least once a week how full my hands are. “No mommy, Avery no want to” is something heard frequently around here. “Avery can do it” is heard just as frequently. She will do as much for herself as she can. And when she can’t, “Mommy, help you”. Being told no is something she cannot stand. She will throw herself down on the ground and cry or throw an arm across her face. Avery is very dramatic. But, even more than being told no, Avery hates to be ignored. She will frequently try to get my attention when it is elsewhere to tell me something. She starts softly and grows louder until she has my attention. “Mom, mommy, moooommy, MOMMY, MOOOMMY, JENNI” (Which usually gets her in trouble.) “Avery what?!” “Oh…hi”.

This is just a small glimpse at all you have missed.

When I asked you back at Christmas to stop contacting us, you did. Without even a little bit of hesitation. But now you are calling me at all hours of the night…and day. I will keep ignoring you until you either go away or I get so exasperated I change my number. But, I will not answer the phone or respond to a single message. I told you at Christmas that I didn’t want you just coming and going as you please. If you want to be a parent, be a parent. There are no days off in this gig. But, you’ve lost your chance with my child. You ARE NOT her parent. It takes a lot more than 23 chromosomes to be a parent, which so far is all you have contributed. I sincerely hope you do better with your other children. I understand that you can’t keep your stories straight and all you know how to do is be untruthful. And I’m not mad about it, really I’m not. But I do choose to not let Avery grow up like that. She will grow up in a stable environment surrounded by people that love her and would do anything for her. I firmly believe that it is better to be raised in a household with one parent that is happy and supportive than it is with two that are constantly arguing. She deserves to grow up in an environment where she never has to worry about when dad leaves again. She will never again have to talk to your voicemail because you won’t answer the phone.

She knows what a dad is. She knows that her cousin Nathan has one, but Avery just knows him as Uncle Ben. She knows that her mom calls her Papa dad. She also knows who you are. If she sees a picture of you she recognizes you, but that is it. She doesn’t ask for you. She doesn’t talk about you. It is her normal to not have a dad. It is all she has grown up knowing. I know the day is coming when she will ask where you are and WHO you are. I hope when that time comes I can find the right words to tell her about you. Words that aren’t clouded by my own judgments and painful memories, but words that do speak the truth. I will not paint a sunny picture of you. I will not lie to her. I want her to grow up knowing that I am always going to be truthful to her, no matter what.

So, please, stop calling me in the middle of the night. Stop calling from restricted numbers. Stop texting and emailing me. Avery is fine. She will continue to be fine. But I’m not going to keep you updated on her life. You lost the right to know that information a long time ago. You cannot threaten me, I’m not scared of you. You have no control over me. I don’t feel anything for you, good or bad, except pity.

I pity you.