Thursday, March 31, 2011

March, you're an asshole.

I’ve been quiet around these parts lately. Those that know me know that’s unusual.

This post will probably piss some people off. I don’t care. This is my blog, my avenue to vent. I have a lot to vent. If you don’t like it, stop reading. Go away.

March has been one nasty asshole around here. “But Jen, you went to Hawaii in March”. Ok, March 11th through March 31st has been a nasty asshole.

Things around here have been at an all time low. Feelings have been hurt and people have felt attacked. Yes, I have said things out of anger that shouldn’t be said. Things I do feel are true and valid feelings to have, but should not have been brought up in the heat of the moment.

Those that know me, really know me, know how much I detest snow/cold weather. I have said since I was young that I want to move away from the Midwest. It’s just not for me. So it was a shock to very few people when I announced that I was moving to Phoenix. But then the job in Phoenix fell through. So I started searching again. This isn’t a personal attack on anyone, it just is what it is.

I totally get that some people live close to family no matter where it is to be close to family. I do really get that. But, I believe that you can live anywhere and still be a family. I don’t think you should live somewhere you don’t like for the sake of being close to family. Yes, it will take a little more effort, but it doesn’t mean people just plain don’t care. Maybe I feel this way because I grew up differently than most of the people in this family, and that’s ok too.

I do feel like the black sheep around here. I do feel like things are different. I’ve said it all along and it’s a feeling I still stand by. I grew up 5 hours away in a place much different than this, with people much different than this. I’m not saying it was better there, it was just different. I went off to college, 2 hours closer, but still the only visit was half of my college graduation. The only time visits were made were trips I made here, which were infrequent on an independent college students income. So, yes, I was closer to the ones I was familiar with. I wasn’t this involved in the day to day lives of people around here until 2 years ago, at 24 years old. That’s a lot of time and a lot of growing up that was done somewhere other than here, in this environment.

I know I’m a sarcastic smart ass 90% of the time. Most of the time it’s just who I am, which is something you didn’t/don’t know about me. And, it’s a defense mechanism. It’s a hell of a lot easier to just not let anyone in than it is to get hurt by someone you trust. A witty retort or smart ass comment is my go to response, my knee jerk reaction. But, it wasn’t always this way. I used to by shy, painfully shy. I avoided confrontation at all costs. My idea of being ballsy was joining show choir and having to dance and sing in the front row. But, to my friends, I was the Jen they still know today.

No, I don’t go out and do things a lot. First of all, I’m a homebody by nature. Second, I don’t frequent many places that Avery can’t just go with me. Also? I leave her 3 nights a week as it is. The nights I’m off I want her at home, in her own bed, and spending time with her. I don’t think that’s abnormal and it’s something that is important to me. Dinner with friends? They all know Avery and love her. Lunch dates, aquarium trips, malls Avery goes to them all. I’m not typically a go out to the bars kind of person. When I do, yes, it is infrequent. I don’t particularly enjoy the types of people that frequent the bars anyway so I see little point in going. Yes, I haven’t seriously dated anyone in…..yeah. But, I honestly just can’t be bothered. I’m ok with it just being Avery and I for now. And I get that I’m a hard-headed loud mouth that says the first thing that pops into her head. I know that it’s going to take one hell of a man to deal with that. I have my doubts about the quality of “hell of a man” left anyway.

The way I feel like I constantly have to defend myself isn’t normal. It is automatically assumed that I had a hand in anything that goes down. I 100% believe the worst is always assumed in me. This isn’t an ok way to live. I don’t think that’s an ok way for ANYONE to live. It’s hurtful to know that people I’m supposed to trust can/will call without notice and say horrible things. Some of them without knowing the whole story. I’m not sure where our relationship would be if Avery hadn’t come along, but I’m certain it wouldn’t be like this.

I’m not happy with my life at the moment. *I* feel like a change is needed. I feel like I spent too many years pleasing other people in the past and I want to do what makes me happy. Yes, I have considered my daughter in this. She was and always is the basis of all of my decisions. You can say what you’d like about my decisions, but they are mine to make. I won’t let the words or actions of other people affect me anymore.


andygirl said...

sneding love your way. can you feel it?

first of all, your life is your life and you sound like you're doing it just fine. you live for your daughter and you try to make yourself happy. that's all you can do.

but it doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks! it doesn't not one bit.

I so identify with part of this because I spent a chunk of my life pleasing others and never measuring up. I moved 19 hours away from my family and, yes, I miss some of them. others can go fuck themselves. just be yourself, woman. change when you want to change. and love what you want to love.


Mom/Grandma said...

I am glad that you are doing what is going to make you happy. When you're happy, Avery will be that much happier.

Love you both

Eileen said...

My husband saw what a bad influence his mother was, stopped talking to her and never regretted the situation. You can't pick family, but you can pick friends. Friends that are healthy, loving and helpful not harmful.
Sorry that life has been difficult lately. I hope that decisions have clear paths in the near future. We are thinking about you, and loving you long distance.

Jen said...

Jen, (Sorry, I think you will always be Jenni to me)I've been meaning to say this to you for some time. I am completely impressed with the woman and mother you are. You simply amaze me and I admire you so much. I know a little about your upbringing and your subsequence heartbreaks, but you are one hell of a woman. You have taken everything in your own stride and created a wonderful life for yourself and your precious little girl. You have always been great at "being you," taking care of those around you, and making people laugh. I have always thought you were ballsy (please tell me you had fun in show choir...I keep trying to convince B it was)and I still do. You have a fantastic combination of candor, gumption, and class. We are now at an age where we have to change our thinking about family. Your family, your true family, is you and Avery. You need to make all you decisions based on that and not consider what your extended family thinks. Do what is best for you and what will make you the happiest. My sis and I live 9 hours apart, but we are now closer than we ever where when we lived in the same house. There are visits and phone calls and skype and we make it work. It is possible. You will always have a place in my heart and I love you. I know that you will do what is best for you and Avery. You already have.

Jen said...

You guys are amazing. Thank you.
@andy-you seem to always say what I'm thinking. Thanks for always listening.
@mom-I know.
@eileen-thank you so much. I've learned that friends are always there, no matter what. <3
@Jen-I have tears. Thank you so much for the sweet words. Yes, B, show choir was fun. Wait! He was my dance partner for one song wasn't he?!?!?! ::stink eye::