Year in review

Last year I wrote a list of New Years Resolutions. Looking back I think I was mostly successful.

Still not so great with money. Took a TON more pictures. Blog has really taken off compared to this time last year (seriously THANK YOU!). Still learning to laugh more and not be so worried all the time. I've come a long way. We are improving on our Spanish everyday. Aves is so freaking smart and picks up on things quickly.

Looking back, it's been a great year. Babies grew into toddlers. People have come and gone. People have come that never should have and gone again. Friends and family have been supportive through it all. New hobbies have been discovered. I've grown more as a person, as a mother.

This years resolution? I'm not making one. Yes, all of last years resolutions still hold true. Sure I'd love to lose some weight. But, I'm not pressuring myself or setting any kind of deadline. This year I'm going to work on not letting the stress get to me so much. I'm going to appreciate the snuggles and giggles. I'm going to stop and soak in the little moments. I'm going to spend more time with people I love and spend more warm summer nights outside enjoying the sunsets. So maybe that is my resolution, to live life on purpose?

The dark ages.

We've officially been two full days without cable at home.

It's going great.

Avery has asked to watch Dora exactly one time. And she was quite happy with watching her Dora sing along video before nap time.

I think we were watching too much tv around here. Sure it was mostly on as background noise while we were doing other things, but it was on most of the time we were home. Even on nights I worked, it was on in the background while Avery was doing other things and I laid on the couch. Most everything I actually watch is on local tv anyway.

Expensive background noise. And frankly, their customer service was shit.

Avery got a few more videos today that we can rotate. I'm sure in a few months I'm going to want to throw them out the window.

Also? I learned my tv needs a converter box. So, we've had absolutely NO tv for two days.

Right now there is a cinnamon candle burning, hot chocolate beside me, a warm blanket, and itunes on the laptop.

And I'm completely content.

Christmas pics before the end of the year.

So sorry loves! My only night off out of 6 nights was Christmas Eve. Ab-surd.

We attended Christmas Eve service at church. The toddler. The dress. Too.much.cute.



Santa brought Avery an awesome wooden kitchen that she LOVES. Santa also brought her fruits, vegetables, pots and pans and cooking utensils for the kitchen. As well as a boat load of books.



Horribly blurry pic, but that face? It melts me.



Did y'all know that Santa drops off at the grandparents house too? True story. It this part of the US at least.





The countdown to spring has already begun:



Future blogger in the making:



SQUEE! Babes in hats:



I bought myself a lightscoop for Christmas which is currently rocking my socks and will fill the gap until I spring for a speedlite. Also? Drooling over the new Lightroom 3.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

Happy Birthday

Happy 21st Birthday to my sister!

But, don't go out and celebrate too hard. You know, since you look like this.



(Actually, you're bigger now.)

And tell that husband of yours you need some pasta and chocolate ice cream!

I love you!

My favorite

Bedtime snuggles are my favorite.

(As you can tell I'm also loving the Retro Camera app on my phone. Particularly the Little Orange Box camera.)

It was about 36 hours too many

My parents kidnapped my kid.

But it was only for the weekend. And they DID ask me weeks ago, I just forgot. They left Saturday morning to head north to see my grandparents with the 3 grandbabies. I know. I wish I could have been a fly in that car too.

In theory it worked great. I had to work all weekend anyway so, extra sleep yay!? Only I think I'm so used to getting up after sleeping 4 hours that I spent the rest of the day tossing and turning until my alarm went off to get up and go back to work. Could I have just gotten up and gotten some things done? Sure, but what's the fun in that?

And Sunday morning when I got off work I was so sleepy I knew I had to go home and take a little nap. And I did nap, until 11. I got up and folded a load of laundry, sipped coffee, snuggled under a warm blanket, and watched football.

And, guys? It was too quiet. I didn't have a toddler asking to watch Dora instead of football, or diapers to change, or books to read, or noses to wipe. I just sat there. And watched the entire game. And then the game was over so I watched ANOTHER game. Then cleaned up the kitchen. I had hot chocolate with the sister. On a Sunday night, after toddler bedtimes.

I already knew that I couldn't imagine my life without Avery, but I never before thought about how BORING my before life seems now that I do have Avery. Sure I sometimes think about how EASY it was to leave the house before children. Or going to dinner after bedtimes, or doing things on a whim. But, what did I DO on my days off? I really don't think anything. Laid by the pool? Shopped? I much prefer the life I have now. The one with the rambunctious toddler with curly hair. With the toys on the floor and the milk splatter on the back passenger window of my car I still haven't wiped off from two weeks ago.



She came home late Sunday night and all she wanted was to read a story and "snuggle buggle" before bed. And how could I not? I missed her so much I wasn't ready for her to go to bed either. She was only gone about 36 hours, but it was 36 too many.

Hot cocoa with the sister

Waiting on my baby to come home.

Facebook, you evil little minx you

This is the add that continually plaques my Facebook sidebar.

SURE! I'd LOVE a cute boyfriend. That one is pretty cute. Can he speak proper English? Are his pants above his ass? Does he make his own money? Can you send me him?

Why not? Oh because he's a paid model. Because the ones I find have 5 kids by 5 women, or ask for gas money, or are incapable of keeping their man bits inside their pants, or want their cake and eat it too.

But, you know what Facebook, I'm just going to go ahead and pass on that cute boyfriend. Call me jaded, but I'll just play it safe.

Merry Christmas!

Rock. Meet hard place.

I feel like I’m stuck. I don’t know which way will be better for Avery. Better for our family.

A bit of backstory: “Ben” has seen Avery 4 times in her 2 years of life. Once at 4 months old, twice right before she turned 1, and the last time in November of this year. Ben has not helped financially at all and emotionally even less. The way things stand now he can come see Avery whenever he wants to. I will answer the phone whenever he wants to call and talk to her and she can call him whenever she wants.

Let me outline the last couple days for you.

December 13th: She called him 2 times. Left voicemails both times. He answered the phone when I called him (3rd phone call that day) and we spoke for 2 minutes about her Christmas present, Avery was napping at the time.

December 14th: She called him 2 times. Left voicemails both times. He did not return her call. He did text me about her Christmas present again.

Today (December 15th): She has called him 1 time thus far. No answer and no return call.

I’m absolutely infuriated. She wants to speak to her father. “Call daddy. Call daddy.” And when she says, to his voicemail, “I love you daddy, call me later.” It kills me. She has a relationship with his voicemail, not him.

And he could care less because he is busy wherever he is doing whatever it is that he’s doing. He still hasn’t 100% been honest about his life. I caught him in another HUGE lie recently. And he is STILL denying it happened. Every time he calls he says “Let me take her for a week”. Hell to the no! We were both of the understanding when we ended things a few weeks ago that he can come whenever he wants and call whenever he wants but I was not comfortable with him being alone with her. WE WERE BOTH of the understanding. Why is he trying to change things already? And if he really wanted to see her why doesn’t he RETURN HER PHONE CALLS? It makes me believe she is merely a pawn for him.

He didn’t even get her a birthday present. He didn’t even SHOW UP for her birthday. He says “I’ll bring it when I come down”. We are still waiting on her 1st birthday present. I know I’ve said it before but I still can’t believe that he has missed every birthday and every holiday. He missed her first words, her first steps, and even her birth.

I know I have to do something. I just don’t know what.

Option 1: We continue things like they are now. With me knowing that eventually his calls and texts will become less and less, again. And he might disappear for a few weeks or a few months, but he will come back. Next time with another lie or excuse. Avery will grow up with this being her normal. A dad that she sees maybe a couple times a year. That will or won’t return her phone calls. Knowing that she can’t depend on him.

Option 2: Take him to court. This involves establishing paternity (he obviously isn’t on her birth certificate). Make him provide child support, which I doubt he will pay. But at least he will be held responsible for his actions. I am sure he will ask for visitations and I will fight for supervised at least. I also think that even if awarded visitations, he will not show for them. Because, more than likely, he will have to come to her. Which will also set a precedence with the courts. My biggest fear with this option: he will be able to take her, because of her age, back to wherever he lives with him for periods of time. I do not know who he associates with and where he lives. I’m terrified I wouldn’t be awarded supervised visitations.

Option 3: Disappear. Change my number and move. Trusting this house sells before he decides to venture this way. I have already planned on not giving him my new address when I move out of state. Simply what city I live in and if he wants to see her we can meet in a public place. But, disappearing would mean we simply fall off the map to him. Could he find me? I have no doubt. He had my phone records accessed while we were “together” last month. Would he act on any information he found? I’m not sure.

What I do know is that he thinks he has me figured out. Whatever it is he is up to wherever it is that he lives he is banking on the fact that I want things to stay like they are now. He doesn’t get her alone and he doesn’t help financially. This makes me mad as hell. Which makes me want to make things difficult for him and take his LYING ASS to court. And then everything will be laid out and every lie will be uncovered.

But, maybe I should just let him think he’s won. Maybe we should just disappear and he can go on doing whatever sneaky things he’s doing and know that karma will be paying him a visit. I have the child, I’ve really already won. And those times I get mad and wish there was someone here to help me? I’ll rest a little easier knowing it’s not him and he can’t just come and go as he pleases.

And if I do disappear? I’ll rest easier knowing I did everything in MY power to get him to change his ways. *I* took her halfway to see him. *I* let her call him when she wanted. *I* comfort her when she cries because she couldn’t talk to daddy on the phone. *I* never changed my phone number in the 2.5 years since I’ve known him. *I* was honest about my name and my background from the start. *I* wasn’t the one that didn’t contact her/us from beginning of June to middle of October because he was “somewhere without cell phones”. He tells me I’m the only one of his “baby mammas” that gives him any trouble. Well maybe the other four (yes 4. F.O.U.R. That I know about.) just don’t care? Maybe they know who you really are? Maybe they believe your poor attempts at lies. Maybe they are in on it? Whatever it is, I don’t care. I have a gut feeling my child is not safe with you and I will do anything in my power to protect her. I’ve learned more than once in the past that you should always follow your gut.

(UPDATE: He did call her back on December 15th, 1.5 hours later. He talked to her for 2.08 minutes then tried to start an argument with me while she was listening. I simply asked Avery to give daddy a kiss and tell him she loved him and she hung up the phone. I will also mention, for the sake of argument, that she told him she went to time out this morning. I told him it was because she hit me. He laughed and told her it was ok to hit mommy, mommy deserved it. Parenting at its finest.)

I hate that this feels like a pissing match. I hate that I feel like I have to keep track of when he calls and when he says he will visit and doesn’t. And that every time she speaks to him on the phone he asks her to come see him (just did this again today) and when I tell him our agreement was he comes here he is too busy, or too broke, or I’m not being fair. I hate that time and time again I have to argue that not fair would be me delivering her to him AND getting no help AND dealing with his constant lies AND him not answering the phone to her and calling back hours later. That isn’t fair to ME. Or her. My life shouldn’t revolve around building HER relationship with HIM. *I* have a great relationship with her, that should be all I’m worried about. I hate that he is so selfish and only thinks of himself that he would actually suggest that and then make ME feel guilty and say I’m a terrible mother when I don’t do it.

So, I’m stuck. I’m in a damned if I do and damned if I don’t situation. I’m in a scar my child for life situation either way I go. But do I let him do the scarring or do I trust that when she is older she will believe me when I tell her what a toxic person he is? Do I let him continue to tell her bad things about me all the while I bite my tongue about him when she is present?

I have the paperwork printed and filled out to start court proceedings. I need to call the phone company anyway, changing the number would be easily added into the call, or just do nothing (what I’m doing now). Dear sweet readers, you are a smart bunch. What.in.the.hell. am I supposed to do?

No, no you're still in the right place.

(I would have had this typed out an hour ago, but it's been one of those days. You know those days when the toddler has already had 3 outfit changes and OH EM GEE WHY DID YOU DUMP YOUR MILK ALL OVER THE COUCH! So, sorry for the confusion. I'm going to sit here with my coffee and work on the laundry. And if anyone says a thing about Avery wearing a pink shirt with brown pants and blue socks I will be all WELL IT MATCHED THREE OUTFITS AGO!!!)

It's pretty right?

My dear friend Becca over at The Paro Post has made my blog pretty. Again. She is a design genius. Y'all head over to her shop, Jumping Jax Designs, and have a look around. Odds are you will find more than one thing that you love.

Becca is SUPER easy to work with and has a super quick turn around time.

I'll be heading back her way very soon for a few business cards and a logo. SQUEEE!

Oh, you sickly in love people. You people that fart puppies and rainbows. And OH EM GEE life is perfect TRA LA LA.
I want to punch you. In the throat.
I get so EFFING sick of sitting at home all night, alone. No one to talk to. No one to snuggle with on the couch. It’s so depressing.
I know, I know. Ben and I had that brief reconciliation. And thing were good, for a few weeks. Well, as good as they can be when there is 5.5 hours by car in between you.
Maybe I don’t necessarily want to punch you in the throat. Perhaps I’m just a leeeeetle bit jealous.
But throat punching would make me feel better.

I will never get you people

that love snow and winter.

I DETEST the winter. More so, the snow. White fluffy grossness that makes driving dangerous and gets inside my shoes. My socks are soggy from December to March/April every year. My nose is always cold and I hate dressing in layers.

I wouldn't even say "It's pretty as long as I don't have to go out in it". I don't think it's pretty at all. With the blanket of snow comes a stifling blanket of clouds and greyness. I won't feel the sunshine or take a big breathe of fresh air again for 3 to 4 more months.

Three.to.four.more.months.

And you'd think I would be better about this. It happens every year about this time for my entire life. Heck, I moved somewhere that gets LESS snow then where I grew up. It's still too much.

As the first real snow of the season blankets the ground all I can think it that I miss summer. A lot.

The move that wasn't

That trip to Phoenix?

Postponed.

I was unaware that once locked into a contract it could be canceled. It was. I spent 2-3 weeks frantically applying for anything I could find since I had already put in ample notice at my current employer. I took matters into my own hands and got numbers from my recruiter and did my own recruiting. But, now it looks like I will be talking to my boss on Monday morning about taking back that resignation. I hope she is understanding.

That recruiter? Pretty much done with her. How absurd.

So my relocation may have been postponed, but it is NOT canceled. I may just have to wait until I'm in a better situation and my house is sold. Hopefully the spring, after my Hawaii trip.

For now I'm stuck here.



(That's not my pic, it's what I got when I googled snow.)

How gross.

Birthday "Party"

We had a small get together today for Avery's birthday. I never planned an official party because I thought we were moving. (A post for a different day.)

I threw this together last minute this week. My parents let me have it at their house since mine is so small and I invited the siblings and a family friend.

I have a few pictures but I'm not going to show them to you right now. Why? Because my camera is aaaaaalllllll the way over there and I'm snuggly and warm right here. Did I mention we got roughly 4-5 inches of snow today? Which incidentally is enough to paralyze this city, with more on the way tonight. Did I also mention we got most of it while I was at my parents house? Oh and my cell phone battery died while I was there. Also? The roads were terrible the whole 1.8 miles home. And I wasn't wearing a coat and Avery didn't have a hat. It has been a day.

Avery woke up this morning in rare form. It's like she just KNEW that we had a lot going on today. I got things together to take to the parents and pack the purse for church. I took the bags to the car and started it and she had her socks and shoes back off. Sweet. Put them back on, run into the bathroom and put on some deodorant, come out and jacket is off. Put that back on. Go outside. Forgot the blankie. Go back in. Go out and she's playing in the snow. Brush off her leggings and put her in the car. And on and on and on and on. All day.

She might have actually been worse at her party, after her nap. She blew out her candle but wanted nothing to do with her cake. She was barely interested in opening her gifts. She walked around most of the time with the dust mop and a dollar bill.

Meh, two year olds.

Good thing I picked up another bottle of wine at the grocery today. (Which I almost didn't get because I grew up in Indiana where you can't buy alcohol on Sunday....yes, THOSE PLACES STILL EXSIST!)

Avery,

Today you are 2.

And I know it's cliche to say that you have changed my life forever. But, baby girl, you HAVE changed my life. I don't know where I would be without you. Frankly, I bet it would suck.

I get a little weepy when I think about your birthday. And I've shed a few tears already, 7 sentences into this letter. But I'm not sad. Sure I miss the days when you were a tiny newborn, or when you first learned to walk, or your first words. I'm weepy because I'm so PROUD of you. Sometimes I just look at you and I'm positive I can feel my heart explode into a million tiny pieces.

You are the smartest, funniest, coolest girl I know. You say so many things. You continue to amaze me everyday with just how much you understand the world around you. You can count to five, almost ten, and say so many things in Spanish. You remember what things are even though I have only told you one time. I'm still amazed every time you point out a school bus. You're little dances and songs have me in stitches every day.

Baby, as much as this is a celebration for you, it is for me too. I did it. WE did it. Two years ago I wasn't sure how I was going to raise a baby on my own. I wasn't sure how I was going to do ALL the night feedings and diaper changes AND work all day (then all night). Raising a newborn AND working full time AND managing a home? Forget about it. But, here we are two years later. And not only have we succeeded, we are doing AWESOME! Sometimes we lose our patience with each other and get angry at each other, but we also have the most fun together.

Our quiet evenings at home are my favorite. It absolutely melts my heart when you climb on my lap with your blankie and ask to "snuggle buggle". I die from the cuteness when you say "aaaahhhh-men" every night after our bedtime prayers. I love that even though you are a big girl and like to do things yourself you still run to mommy when you are scared or unsure. I love kissing your "booboos" and "bonks" and I love the game we play every time we get in the car to leave.

Happy Birthday, my little adventurer. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for us.



Love,
Mommy

Photo overload!

I love you

Something showed up on my porch today.





I'm in LOVE. It's SO PRETTY. It's roomy, and sturdy, and it has a little teal rose. And today, when I was leaving the house to take some pictures, there was room for ALL my gear AND a wallet, cell, diaper, wipes, cup of milk AND a snack for Avery. With the blankie thrown in on top!

And now my mom is GREEN with envy. :D

I'm off to go pet my new bag.

December

Dear December,

Please be kind to me, and my family, and my friends. Historically, November has been somewhat of a bitch to me. She didn't disappoint this year. I'm not sure I can handle much more. I'm overwhelmed and sick of hearing bad news. I have a lot on my plate and I would love for you to cooperate.

I've been doing a lot of praying lately, December, and I need you to do your part. I know, somehow, I'll come out on the other side of this and it won't seem like such a big deal. But right now, I've reached my limit.

Signed,
Pass the vodka

Bridalplasty

Can we discuss this train wreck?

I openly mocked the show since I first heard of it a number of weeks ago. It's shallow. And when a contestant gets eliminated the host, Shanna Moakler, tells them "Your wedding will still go on, it just won't be perfect."

WTF?

Because you haven't undergone numerous procedures to improve your appearance your wedding won't be perfect? Call me old fashioned, but I always believed it was about the marriage, NOT the wedding. I, personally, wouldn't marry someone that can't look past my flabby ass, belly pudge, huge boobs, and stretch marks. (Then again, I'm still single nearly three years after my divorce.) I don't like 'em either buddy but if I have to deal with them, so do you.

I recently learned that a girl I went to high school with is a contestant in this three ring circus. And really? I'm not that surprised. She always was a bit shallow and full of herself. But, she also spewed constantly how big of a Christian and God lover she was. Which is great. I love God as much as the next person, but I don't try to maintain a perfect image. I make mistakes. I claim that. Tonight on the trailer for next week, we witnessed Ms. Perfect drop the F bomb on national tv. And the superficiality she is displaying by even BEING a part of this show? Wow.

She boasts that she gave her significant other a ultimatum and a time line for a proposal. Yeah, that.wont.work.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I kind of want to watch the show just to see what happens.

I can't believe I'm in the confessional again....already.....or can I?

My last few posts have been mere pictures, stories of cleaning the shower, fluff. Sorry.

The last few days Ben and I have been having a come to Jesus of sorts. Except it’s been more me getting frustrated because he refuses to be wrong and see my side of things. And him slinging hurtful, manipulative things at me because he knows I will internalize all of it. Ahhh, the bitch session begins.

I will try, really try, to sound as neutral as I can about this. Of course, things are still fresh. But, what do I do when I’m upset about something? Write about it. Which means you might be reading this the day it’s wrote, or in a few weeks, or never. This post may never see the light of day.

There has been a complete and utter breakdown of everything Ben and I have built the last 6 weeks. I 100% believe that he is not in fact the new person he boasts about. But, merely better at putting on a great front. A genius when it comes to getting things he wants out of people.

“Babe I really need a car”. This is the text message that was the beginning of the end so to speak.

Without too many details Ben recently turned in his leased SUV and decided not to lease another vehicle. My car is financed but half way paid off. It was suggested that I allow Ben to take over the payments on my car and I go finance a new vehicle. This suggestion was made based on my comment in passing that I think I would like a small SUV as my next car. Note I said take over the payments not buy the car from me. When I refused, due to my current financial situation mostly, a switch flipped. Suddenly, I wasn’t a different person at all and I only care about myself and not helping out someone I love. I have a steady job, and a new opportunity on the horizon, and it’s selfish of me to only think of myself. Let me point out here, I never claimed to be a different person.

It is also, apparently, deceptive of me to NOT be by my phone 24/7 waiting for a text from him to immediately respond to or a call to answer on the first ring. Those of you that know me IRL know that I’m always next to my phone. (An addiction of sorts I guess, those smartphones are just so damn handy.) And yes, sometimes the child is being oh so pleasant, or I’m giving her a bath, or making a meal, or ENJOYING a meal with my daughter. Or, God forbid, GOING TO THE BATHROOM. None of these are acceptable excuses and I must be up to no good. Can we not mention the times we (Avery and I) call him and don’t get a call back or a text for HOURS.

A guilty conscious, right?

I thought so too. And when confronted about it, SWEET TINY BABY JESUS, did things blow up from there. Because people can change and he is up there missing me all the time and what do I do to show my appreciation? Accuse him of being up to something. And just because men have been unfaithful to me in the past, I will always make him pay for their mistakes.

This is just the tip of the iceberg folks. There are a number of other things that are far too personal to reveal.

To be fair, I’m not completely innocent. When I’m angry at someone I immediately say the most horrible things I can possibly think of. I guess my goal at the time is to hurt them before they can hurt me. It’s a terrible habit of mine and something I don’t even think about it in the heat of the moment. I just get so angry I can’t think straight. I can feel hot, hateful things bubbling up and before I know it BAM there they are. But those that know me know that I don’t hold back much anyway, this shouldn’t be that surprising.

But what I find absolutely the most infuriating thing of our entire relationship. He is completely innocent. Nothing he does is wrong. Recently I caught him in a lie. A big lie. He’s been deliberately telling me one thing when he knows very well it can never happen. And when I thought it might possibly have happened, he told me it was impossible. When confronted about this lie and asking for an apology I get “I have done nothing wrong”. At the moment I heard that I stopped and said a little prayer. “God, please don’t let me injure this man. Even though he is a horrible person, he is still my daughter’s father.” Because in that exact moment I was seeing red and those hateful things were bubbling up. Instead I said “That statement is exactly why you and I will never work out”. Which lead to I’m crazy and I need counseling. I then used that opportunity to mention his other failed relationships with his other children’s mothers. (yes, plurals, lots of plurals) His response? At least he didn’t promise ‘til death do them part to them.

Whiskey.Tango.Foxtrot.

(This is the part where my ex-MIL should probably stop reading.)

Low blow buddy. Just because my ex-husband thought his dick was more suitable in someone else’s pants doesn’t mean I didn’t do everything possible to save the shit show of a marriage it was. Is he the only one at fault in our split? No, but I like to think my share of the blame is a very tiny fraction compared to his. Is this accurate? I don’t know. But, I didn’t fuck a coworker and then go home to my spouse and pretend everything was fine. I didn’t stay up late and send emails and make phone calls. I didn’t use OUR money to pay for flights to get laid. I didn’t tell my spouse I wasn’t ready for kids all the while telling someone else that I wanted to be her son’s father figure. Harsh words, yes, but true words. He was the asshole in that situation, not me. And Ben throwing that in my face sealed the deal.

I don’t want to be with someone that constantly makes me feel like I have to defend myself. That thinks my sarcasm is rude. (I know, right, WTF) I’ve spent the last few days fighting. Fighting for my daughter’s perfect little family. With a mom and a dad that love each other. I’ve apologized for things that I shouldn’t have to apologize for, for things that I didn’t even do. But, that’s not me. I’ll accept blame when wrong and I’d like to think that I’m decent at talking through situations. But accepting blame just for the sake of smoothing things over? No way. That was the scared 22 year old that married her high school sweetheart. That was the girl before she got divorced and took charge of her own life. I’m NOT the girl who immediately starts spewing “I’m sorrys” when given an angry glance anymore. Now, I’m much more likely to say something like “You’re being an asshole, deal with it”. Which is equally therapeutic I’m sure.

The down and dirty facts. We NEVER WERE a perfect little family. I thought I might have the opportunity to give that to my daughter, I was mistaken. People can’t change as drastically as they need to sometimes. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. One person can’t fight for something when the other doesn’t want the same thing.

All of that being said, he will still be a part of Avery’s life. As much as he wants to be. Just because things didn’t work out with us doesn’t mean that they can’t for him and her. But he has to make the effort. He knows where we live and where we are moving to. He knows my phone number. I will let him visit whenever he wants to see her. He can call anytime. He also knows that I am not, at this point and maybe not ever, comfortable with visits where I am not present. I will be cordial to him, but I will only speak to him about matters that concern her. She will not grow up with parents that say hateful things about the other to her. She will not be a messenger. She will have two parents that are adult enough to call each other on the phone when they have concerns and not relay it through their children. If he wants to be there for holidays and birthdays and school events, that’s his choice. I guess you could say I’m giving him enough rope to hang himself because I doubt he comes through, for a number of reasons. But, he’ll hang himself, I won’t be the one doing the hanging.

Today, I’m in a good place about this. Yesterday I was not. I was also in the midst of dodging hurtful remarks and inappropriate blame. I seem to go back and forth day by day. But, we’ll make it. We have a big change on the horizon, I have an awesome kid, life rocks. I’m not going to let anyone mess that up. You have to prove yourself worthy to be a part of our life and you, sucker, failed miserably.

Have you ever

been so angry at someone that you can't even speak? There are no words you could possibly say that will portray how you are feeling?

That's me today.

The back story goes up in the morning. Come back for the deets.

shhh

be vewy quiet



we're hunting wabbits

Happy Thanksgiving

I spent a lot of time thinking about what I'm thankful for.

And y'all, it's A LOT. Heaps and heaps of things. The kid, the house, the job, the ability to change things if they need changing, GOD, the blog, the usual.

And while we all fill our bellies with yummy food, remember to be thankful for that too.

But for now, I'm off to pick out my most flattering elastic waist pants. (which I'm also thankful for)

What are you thankful for?

If only I could keep un-chipped nail polish on my nails.

Cleaning the shower

I have a method to cleaning my house. And it MUST NOT BE BROKEN. (I'm not OCD I swear....tick.)

Kitchen. Hall. Living room. Bedrooms. All the while I throw every piece of linen down the laundry chute (basement stairs....KLASSY). Lastly, bathroom. I clean the entire bathroom then spray down the shower, strip down and climb in. (Actually I strip down at the top of the basement stairs and throw my clothes down, don't tell the neighbors.) I scrub down the shower then clean myself. And when I get out of the shower AAAAHHHHH everything is clean. TRA-LA-LA.

You do it too, don't lie. Or now you are realizing how genius that is and are considering doing it too.

But y'all I read something recently that rocked.my.world. And changed my OCD habits, at least temporarily.

I was reading a story on the internet (I think it might have been FML.com, STFU.) about this dude that does the same thing (HA! TOLD YOU!) and somehow he bent over to scrub the floor of the shower and got his butt hole caught on that thing you pull up to turn the shower on.



He.ripped.his.butt.hole. He had to go to the hospital and have stitches!

You're mortified and puckering your cheeks aren't you? How does a dooce even happen when you have stitches holding you sphincter together? I had so many similar, logical questions about this story. I contemplated contacting the website to get this gentleman's information to ask him myself.

But then I had to questioned his anal tone. I'm not going to get all personal on you, but I highly doubt the probability of most people, first of all, GETTING something up there and second, it happening all loosey goosey on an accident (pun intended) and WHOOPS it just slipped in.

None the less today while I was cleaning my house I cleaned the shower completely clothed from the outside of the shower.

It was weird.

But I didn't need stitches.

Taking pictures

has quickly become a hobby of mine.

An expensive hobby.

But thankfully my mom foot a large chunk of the start up. And sometimes I go days and days and days AND DAYS without a decent picture because my only subject IS BEING A FREAKING DIVA. And I'm not one to take a picture of a flower or a blade of grass, just not my thing. I like faces, people, feet. (Especially baby feet.)

And sometimes I take a picture and think....meh. And then I stumble upon it two weeks later and I find it so breathtakingly sweet that even though it's no where near a "good" picture it's perfect to me. Even though this pic is SOOC I don't think I want to do a thing to it.



But I've decided that I want to practice more. I want to take pictures of people other than my super adorable daughter. People that hold still, people that are different than the toddler that has ADHD and a fascination for airplane spotting.

And I want to take Avery to different places. I want to find a dried brown field to take her to for a few shots. Or maybe revisit that old wagon at the produce stand.

And MAYBE that teal Jo Tote will show up in my mailbox.

Juuuuuust sayin'.

I was recently asked about expanding my blog.

::blink....blinkblink::

I don't even know what that means. No one wants to read about my random bitching and surely NO ONE wants to read MORE OF IT! Sometimes I'm smacked with writers block so profound that I can barely type a tweet much less an entire entry.

And I'm totally no good at pimping myself out. "Yo yo yo, you wanna advertise on my site" hardly sounds business professional. "Hey wanna give me some shit so I can have a giveaway" doesn't sound that great either.

But I can say I already have an awesome design lady when I decide my blog needs a little sprucing up.

Perhaps I could get Xanax to sponsor my blog while I move across the country.

Or maybe Canon would like to feed my photography obsession?

How about the ladies that make dozens of handmade goodies that I so covet?

All wonderful options.

Holding out for Xanax.

I covet thee Jo Totes

I follow a delightful photographer's blog.

She recently linked up a sexy little number and instantly I was smitten.

Insert Jo Totes.

IT'S A FREAKING CAMERA BAG!! I know right, so freaking adorbs.

I'm head over heals for this one.

So I compiled a quick email to my mom, who started my obsession with cameras/photography and told her I MUST have this! Her reply: she might get one. What the eff MOM!??!? How freaking rude!

PS. I'm totally emailing Ben right now and telling him that in exchange for birthing his child I should get this. And if I end up getting two? My head will explode with joy.

Do you remember when I bitched about three on two off three on?

HEY GOD! I GET IT!! I'll stop complaining about it. Because I worked Friday and Saturday and Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Which means I put in 60 hours in 6 days except it was really more than that because four of the days I didn't clock out until at least 8:10am. And who is the genius that schedules a doctors appointment at noon on Wednesday? That would be me. Really.effing.smart. Which means I slept about an hour during the day on Wednesday.

Thursday I was a real treat. Just ask Ben. I went on some irrational tangent about how he wasn't respecting me and hung up on him. And I passed out and didn't hear him call me back. Perhaps I should warn people when I'm short on sleep. Because OH.EM.GEE I CAN'T TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW!! You're BREATHING TOO LOUD! And WHO THE HELL is this tiny human in my house wanting me to feed it all the time?

How am I supposed to get through this massive to do list when all I can manage is to sit in a corner and rock with drool on my chin?

Sunday funday

And I worked Friday and Saturday night!

I got off work Sunday morning and headed home for a quick shower. I was meeting Ben to go to the Colts game. He called when I got out of the shower and said I might as well sleep for an hour because he wouldn't be there until noon. I set my alarm and laid down.

And slept until 11:15.

OH MY FREAKING GAAAAAAAAAA

It takes 2 hours to get to Indianapolis.

The game was at 1.

I hopped up and threw everything in the car and headed to Indy. I didn't make it in time. And Ben informed me that the tickets he got WEREN'T EVEN IN THE SAME SECTION which I guess is the risk you take when you get tickets from a friend. So, we went to a bar to watch the rest of the game (his suggestion) because really what's the point in meeting to spend time together if we weren't even in the same section in the stadium?

And that's when I knew he really did love me. He gave up AMAZING seat(s) to the game because he wanted to hang out with me. I guess that and he goes to almost every game. And later, in the hotel, when I was watching ESPN highlights and browsing NFL.com on my phone he said "I didn't know you were that into football" and "we could have gone to the game if you would have rather done that". But honestly, as pumped as I was about going to the game, I don't regret missing it at all. We had an awesome day.

And there will be plenty more games to go to together.

Google Analytics

God bless you.

I don't check Analytics very often. I recently checked and it seems my blog had a HUGE spike on November 9th. The blog that day: "The confessional".

Nosy bastards. :) (I'm obviously kidding.)

Almost every single post referring to Ben has had a high number of page views. As well as the post where I called Bill O'Reilly a douche.

Fun fact "in our socks" is the top keyword that brought people to my blog recently. Followed closely by "single mom blogs".

So, is this what people want to hear? Deets about the personal life? How PREDICTABLE of you! I bet it's because I said shit, damn, and douche in the highest rated posts. That or my mom is reading my blog a dozen times a day, which I believe to be true.

BOOBS! ( . ) ( . )

(ping...ping, ping, ping.......pingpingping) (did you HEAR ALL THOSE BLOG HITS?)

That totally just reminded me that I tweeted recently that my boobs were out of control and resembled those of a porn star. They were absurd. And continue to be....daily. (pingpingpingpingping)


WEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL, if you MUST know. Things continue to go well with Ben. Which is a pretty generic update. Figuring out the logistics of a relationship can be quite tricky when we live 5 hours apart. Especially when one of us is preparing to move quite a bit farther. But, we are able to see each other twice this week so for now we are focusing on that.

This blog post got WAAAAAYYYY of track. Meh, it's my blog. DEAL!

IN OUR SOCKS! (ping)

Avery and Ben.



Avery and Mommy.

(How awesome does my hair look in this picture?! But, my double chin is barely visible so I consider this picture a victory.)



And then she was done with us.

Veteran's Day

(This is what I got when I google imaged Veteran's Day. How cute is this!)

Happy Veteran's Day to all veterans past and present. Take a moment to remember that freedom isn't free. Someone somewhere is tirelessly fighting for my rights.

Thank you

Potty time

We're STILL dabbling in the potty training. We were going to hit it hard in these 4 days that I'm off but I'm actually meeting Ben in Indy today, making it difficult. She KNOWS how to do it, but still prefers the diaper at this point, especially to poop. "Mommy diaper on" usually means get her to the potty.

But we did have all the necessary supplies. You know: purse, sunglasses, cell phone and stroller.



And Dora was going pee pee in her potty too.

The confessional

(I feel like if I was on MTV this is the post where I'd be sitting in the confessional in front of the camera.)

Ok, guys (GIRLS...whatever) (::waves:: Hi CBG, thanks for being the only dude that reads my blog!) here's the deal.

This is my blog. MY blog. Duh, right?

Sometimes I swear. Not around the toddler, unless I spell it. Doesn't mean I don't still love God and go to church on Sunday. (Ok, MOST Sundays. I couldn't bring myself to work Saturday AND Sunday night last week and go to church until 1pm in between.) Sometimes I spend the whole day in my sweats. Sometimes I eat Halloween candy for dinner. I HATE grammar and punctuation (because if you've been reading my blog for a second you already know this) and absolutely DREADED English in high school and college. My high school teacher once moved me to the advanced English class because he said I was too smart for his class. I switched back, because I hate it that much. Related note: I'm a good bull shitter. Semi-related note: I write essays (and blogs) off the top of my head, no outlines and rarely proof read. Oh, and I ramble too.

My point. I'm not perfect. I cuss sometimes, chocolate is a food group to me, I'm insecure. I love each and every one of my followers, so I thought it only fair to warn you that my filter has malfunctioned. Which really shouldn't be that difficult to believe to those of you that know me IRL (in real life).

Apparently I love (parenthesis).

I've left A LOT of stuff off the blog, especially recently. I've vaguebooked about some of it. I've vaguetweeted about more. I've talked with family and friends.

It's been an emotional roller coaster over here. A back and forth, up and down, make you want to puke roller coaster.


There's a reconciliation in the works.

Remember Ben? Yeah.

Ben wants to be much more involved in Avery's life than I originally anticipated. Ben wants to be involved in OUR life. Ben has made mention of joining us on a cross country move. Ben has confessed feelings that I never thought were there, let alone there the whole time.

Which at first made me incredibly suspicious. Then made me wonder why I was suspicious. Then made me decide that I missed him. Which made me decide that I DID want to try to make things work. Which THEN made me curious if that was even true because I don't have that new relationship giggly silly in love feeling. But then I decided that I'm a 26 year old mother, not a 14 year old professing my love on myspace with hearts around his name. And then I realized that life is messy. Things don't end up like they do in the movies. And lets be honest, I'm not exactly the "OH EM GEE BEN IS SO AMAZING AND WERE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH BABY" type of person. Because I'm not 14. And I wasn't even that way AT 14.

But where we ARE at now is talking on the phone, texting, and meeting halfway to see each other (we live over 5 hours apart). Are things going to work out? I don't know. But, honestly do you KNOW for sure that your relationship is going to work out either? I've been waiting around for that guarantee, but it's not there. And it's not fair of me to MAKE him promise me something just because past promises were broken. It's also not fair of me to freak out every time we have a disagreement. Just because we argue doesn't mean he's back to his old tricks. We are BOTH very stubborn people (shut up mom, both of you) and BOTH very opinionated. We aren't always going to agree and we aren't going to always like each other. But the great thing about it is that I always know what he's thinking and he always knows what I'm thinking. And we have no problem telling the other person when they are being a pain in the ass or when they are being insensitive. And maybe THAT is just what I need.

And I mean really, what's the worst that can happen? I'm single and raising a child on my own? OH THE HORROR!

So MAYBE there is a future. And MAYBE we're working things out. And MAYBE I'm going to say damn and shit a lot more on the blog. I'm not perfect. If someone out there is on their high horse about it and feels like judging, feel free, but I'm far to worn out for pearl clutching at the moment.

OH EM GEE! I SUCK!

But y'all, shits getting deep around here.

And I'm not sure what to say, what to think.

How's that for a cliff hanger?

Happiness is....

Playing in the leaves during Trick or Treating on a chilly Halloween evening.







(Thank you Grandma for the insane amount of leaf bits I had to pick out of her hair at bedtime.)

I need this in my life

This headband is too cute for words. I want to wear it with my blue skirt. And leggings. And boots. And I want the two tone pink one. And the headband with the green bow. Actually there are many, many things I want in her etsy shop.

Go visit Twenty Five Designs on etsy. You won't be sorry. Or your bank account will. Either way, I'm going to need some of this in my life.

Perhaps that darling headband could make a cross country journey with me.

PS. Wouldn't a flower bobby pin look DARLING in Avery's hair?!?!

Happy Halloween!

We're throwing a baby shower for my sister today followed by trick or treating for the little kids. I'm hoping Avery isn't too freaked out, she was too little to know what was going on last year.

I spent yesterday afternoon/evening baking cupcakes for the event, and broke the handle off my oven. Like completely off. Grrr. I can't even USE the oven right now because the door is taped closed.

I need to keep up with blogging. I've been working, making phone calls, making arrangements, going crazy. I've had other things going on that I'm not comfortable discussing yet. So, thus, the blog slacking.

I feel like something is on the horizon. Aside from moving. Something big. I don't know what it is, I just have this weird feeling like something is about to change.

Hello freaking randomness.

Trunk or treating at church.