Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The confessional

(I feel like if I was on MTV this is the post where I'd be sitting in the confessional in front of the camera.)

Ok, guys (GIRLS...whatever) (::waves:: Hi CBG, thanks for being the only dude that reads my blog!) here's the deal.

This is my blog. MY blog. Duh, right?

Sometimes I swear. Not around the toddler, unless I spell it. Doesn't mean I don't still love God and go to church on Sunday. (Ok, MOST Sundays. I couldn't bring myself to work Saturday AND Sunday night last week and go to church until 1pm in between.) Sometimes I spend the whole day in my sweats. Sometimes I eat Halloween candy for dinner. I HATE grammar and punctuation (because if you've been reading my blog for a second you already know this) and absolutely DREADED English in high school and college. My high school teacher once moved me to the advanced English class because he said I was too smart for his class. I switched back, because I hate it that much. Related note: I'm a good bull shitter. Semi-related note: I write essays (and blogs) off the top of my head, no outlines and rarely proof read. Oh, and I ramble too.

My point. I'm not perfect. I cuss sometimes, chocolate is a food group to me, I'm insecure. I love each and every one of my followers, so I thought it only fair to warn you that my filter has malfunctioned. Which really shouldn't be that difficult to believe to those of you that know me IRL (in real life).

Apparently I love (parenthesis).

I've left A LOT of stuff off the blog, especially recently. I've vaguebooked about some of it. I've vaguetweeted about more. I've talked with family and friends.

It's been an emotional roller coaster over here. A back and forth, up and down, make you want to puke roller coaster.

There's a reconciliation in the works.

Remember Ben? Yeah.

Ben wants to be much more involved in Avery's life than I originally anticipated. Ben wants to be involved in OUR life. Ben has made mention of joining us on a cross country move. Ben has confessed feelings that I never thought were there, let alone there the whole time.

Which at first made me incredibly suspicious. Then made me wonder why I was suspicious. Then made me decide that I missed him. Which made me decide that I DID want to try to make things work. Which THEN made me curious if that was even true because I don't have that new relationship giggly silly in love feeling. But then I decided that I'm a 26 year old mother, not a 14 year old professing my love on myspace with hearts around his name. And then I realized that life is messy. Things don't end up like they do in the movies. And lets be honest, I'm not exactly the "OH EM GEE BEN IS SO AMAZING AND WERE GONNA BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH BABY" type of person. Because I'm not 14. And I wasn't even that way AT 14.

But where we ARE at now is talking on the phone, texting, and meeting halfway to see each other (we live over 5 hours apart). Are things going to work out? I don't know. But, honestly do you KNOW for sure that your relationship is going to work out either? I've been waiting around for that guarantee, but it's not there. And it's not fair of me to MAKE him promise me something just because past promises were broken. It's also not fair of me to freak out every time we have a disagreement. Just because we argue doesn't mean he's back to his old tricks. We are BOTH very stubborn people (shut up mom, both of you) and BOTH very opinionated. We aren't always going to agree and we aren't going to always like each other. But the great thing about it is that I always know what he's thinking and he always knows what I'm thinking. And we have no problem telling the other person when they are being a pain in the ass or when they are being insensitive. And maybe THAT is just what I need.

And I mean really, what's the worst that can happen? I'm single and raising a child on my own? OH THE HORROR!

So MAYBE there is a future. And MAYBE we're working things out. And MAYBE I'm going to say damn and shit a lot more on the blog. I'm not perfect. If someone out there is on their high horse about it and feels like judging, feel free, but I'm far to worn out for pearl clutching at the moment.


Eileen said...

We all know that you would never do anything that would be bad for Avery, which would in turn mean that you wouldn't do anything that bad since if you did it would effect your kid. You're a good mom, a good woman and you deserve to see where this is. Don't settle, and trust yourself. Good luck

Mom/Grandma said...

I agree(but I'm mom/Grandma, so that doesnt count. Cause you wouldnt listen anyway) parenthesis must be a family thing. lol. I know you will do what is best for you both. Just take your time, becareful and do whatever you need to do for you and Avery to be happy. love you guys

Canadian Bald Guy said...

I'm with Eileen in that you should NOT settle, but you also need to go with your feelings.

Be careful with your heart. Both you & Avery deserve that much.

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T said...

Thanks for this. There are no guarantees and you sound like you handle that just fine. Me? Not so much.

I'm new here and don't know what all is going on but I do know this: you can't predict love. REAL love. Not myspace love.

Good luck to you both.