Monday, November 29, 2010

I can't believe I'm in the confessional again....already.....or can I?

My last few posts have been mere pictures, stories of cleaning the shower, fluff. Sorry.

The last few days Ben and I have been having a come to Jesus of sorts. Except it’s been more me getting frustrated because he refuses to be wrong and see my side of things. And him slinging hurtful, manipulative things at me because he knows I will internalize all of it. Ahhh, the bitch session begins.

I will try, really try, to sound as neutral as I can about this. Of course, things are still fresh. But, what do I do when I’m upset about something? Write about it. Which means you might be reading this the day it’s wrote, or in a few weeks, or never. This post may never see the light of day.

There has been a complete and utter breakdown of everything Ben and I have built the last 6 weeks. I 100% believe that he is not in fact the new person he boasts about. But, merely better at putting on a great front. A genius when it comes to getting things he wants out of people.

“Babe I really need a car”. This is the text message that was the beginning of the end so to speak.

Without too many details Ben recently turned in his leased SUV and decided not to lease another vehicle. My car is financed but half way paid off. It was suggested that I allow Ben to take over the payments on my car and I go finance a new vehicle. This suggestion was made based on my comment in passing that I think I would like a small SUV as my next car. Note I said take over the payments not buy the car from me. When I refused, due to my current financial situation mostly, a switch flipped. Suddenly, I wasn’t a different person at all and I only care about myself and not helping out someone I love. I have a steady job, and a new opportunity on the horizon, and it’s selfish of me to only think of myself. Let me point out here, I never claimed to be a different person.

It is also, apparently, deceptive of me to NOT be by my phone 24/7 waiting for a text from him to immediately respond to or a call to answer on the first ring. Those of you that know me IRL know that I’m always next to my phone. (An addiction of sorts I guess, those smartphones are just so damn handy.) And yes, sometimes the child is being oh so pleasant, or I’m giving her a bath, or making a meal, or ENJOYING a meal with my daughter. Or, God forbid, GOING TO THE BATHROOM. None of these are acceptable excuses and I must be up to no good. Can we not mention the times we (Avery and I) call him and don’t get a call back or a text for HOURS.

A guilty conscious, right?

I thought so too. And when confronted about it, SWEET TINY BABY JESUS, did things blow up from there. Because people can change and he is up there missing me all the time and what do I do to show my appreciation? Accuse him of being up to something. And just because men have been unfaithful to me in the past, I will always make him pay for their mistakes.

This is just the tip of the iceberg folks. There are a number of other things that are far too personal to reveal.

To be fair, I’m not completely innocent. When I’m angry at someone I immediately say the most horrible things I can possibly think of. I guess my goal at the time is to hurt them before they can hurt me. It’s a terrible habit of mine and something I don’t even think about it in the heat of the moment. I just get so angry I can’t think straight. I can feel hot, hateful things bubbling up and before I know it BAM there they are. But those that know me know that I don’t hold back much anyway, this shouldn’t be that surprising.

But what I find absolutely the most infuriating thing of our entire relationship. He is completely innocent. Nothing he does is wrong. Recently I caught him in a lie. A big lie. He’s been deliberately telling me one thing when he knows very well it can never happen. And when I thought it might possibly have happened, he told me it was impossible. When confronted about this lie and asking for an apology I get “I have done nothing wrong”. At the moment I heard that I stopped and said a little prayer. “God, please don’t let me injure this man. Even though he is a horrible person, he is still my daughter’s father.” Because in that exact moment I was seeing red and those hateful things were bubbling up. Instead I said “That statement is exactly why you and I will never work out”. Which lead to I’m crazy and I need counseling. I then used that opportunity to mention his other failed relationships with his other children’s mothers. (yes, plurals, lots of plurals) His response? At least he didn’t promise ‘til death do them part to them.


(This is the part where my ex-MIL should probably stop reading.)

Low blow buddy. Just because my ex-husband thought his dick was more suitable in someone else’s pants doesn’t mean I didn’t do everything possible to save the shit show of a marriage it was. Is he the only one at fault in our split? No, but I like to think my share of the blame is a very tiny fraction compared to his. Is this accurate? I don’t know. But, I didn’t fuck a coworker and then go home to my spouse and pretend everything was fine. I didn’t stay up late and send emails and make phone calls. I didn’t use OUR money to pay for flights to get laid. I didn’t tell my spouse I wasn’t ready for kids all the while telling someone else that I wanted to be her son’s father figure. Harsh words, yes, but true words. He was the asshole in that situation, not me. And Ben throwing that in my face sealed the deal.

I don’t want to be with someone that constantly makes me feel like I have to defend myself. That thinks my sarcasm is rude. (I know, right, WTF) I’ve spent the last few days fighting. Fighting for my daughter’s perfect little family. With a mom and a dad that love each other. I’ve apologized for things that I shouldn’t have to apologize for, for things that I didn’t even do. But, that’s not me. I’ll accept blame when wrong and I’d like to think that I’m decent at talking through situations. But accepting blame just for the sake of smoothing things over? No way. That was the scared 22 year old that married her high school sweetheart. That was the girl before she got divorced and took charge of her own life. I’m NOT the girl who immediately starts spewing “I’m sorrys” when given an angry glance anymore. Now, I’m much more likely to say something like “You’re being an asshole, deal with it”. Which is equally therapeutic I’m sure.

The down and dirty facts. We NEVER WERE a perfect little family. I thought I might have the opportunity to give that to my daughter, I was mistaken. People can’t change as drastically as they need to sometimes. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible. One person can’t fight for something when the other doesn’t want the same thing.

All of that being said, he will still be a part of Avery’s life. As much as he wants to be. Just because things didn’t work out with us doesn’t mean that they can’t for him and her. But he has to make the effort. He knows where we live and where we are moving to. He knows my phone number. I will let him visit whenever he wants to see her. He can call anytime. He also knows that I am not, at this point and maybe not ever, comfortable with visits where I am not present. I will be cordial to him, but I will only speak to him about matters that concern her. She will not grow up with parents that say hateful things about the other to her. She will not be a messenger. She will have two parents that are adult enough to call each other on the phone when they have concerns and not relay it through their children. If he wants to be there for holidays and birthdays and school events, that’s his choice. I guess you could say I’m giving him enough rope to hang himself because I doubt he comes through, for a number of reasons. But, he’ll hang himself, I won’t be the one doing the hanging.

Today, I’m in a good place about this. Yesterday I was not. I was also in the midst of dodging hurtful remarks and inappropriate blame. I seem to go back and forth day by day. But, we’ll make it. We have a big change on the horizon, I have an awesome kid, life rocks. I’m not going to let anyone mess that up. You have to prove yourself worthy to be a part of our life and you, sucker, failed miserably.


Mom/Grandma said...

I'm sorry it didn't "work out" for you guys. Sometimes dreams are the hardest thing to let go of. Avery and you are loved so much by so many. It is his loss, not yours. Now it is up to him to make a relationship with Avery. If he does not it is no ones fault but his own.
The right man is out there some where that deserves you both and that right man will not want or expect you to be someone you are not. He will love you and want to be with you because you are scarcastic and get so mad you can't speak and pretty much say what you think and feel. Your right your family rocks!! I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and Avery. Love you guys!!

Sara B said...

I'm really sorry, sweetie.

Whatever he says to you, you know you did the right thing. He has not proven himself to be reliable, so there is NO WAY IN HELL you should be making a financial investment of sorts with him. You are not married and your money is not shared at this point. Any man worth his weight in salt would not ask that of you, let alone in a TEXT MESSAGE! Oh HELL NO! After you were back together for what, a month? He's a manipulator and I'm pissed off for you!

I promise that if you keep an open mind and stay true to your beliefs, you will find a worthy partner.

Sending you lots of healing hugs and prayers!

imarunner8908 said...

All I can say is...YOU GO GIRL! Corny, yes, but oh so true :-) Chin up!

Canadian Bald Guy said...

Sometimes people just aren’t compatible.

I think that one sentence says it all. Nobody needs to be at fault or to blame...sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

Eileen said...

He doesn't deserve anything from you. You've been through too much crap with your marriage and him before to willingly subject yourself to more abuse. You have your shit together better than most mothers, especially single mothers. You have done EVERYTHING in your power to be a good mother--he hasn't done the same.
Elenore Roosevelt said, 'no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.' Don't consent.
Long distance hugs, this is a tough time with a loooot of decisions.

Eileen said...

oh and btw...these are almost certainly early symptoms of an abusive guy. Please run as fast as you can the other direction. His past is a good indication of how he will act now.