Saturday, October 9, 2010

An uneasy feeling

I'm not sure many of you know about the crazy that is Avery's dad. Check here and here for a bit of background.

He contacted me the other night (well, morning at 0400) via text message. From another new number. That would be well over 10 new numbers I've had from him since I met him almost 3 years ago. What are his motives? What makes him keep calling/texting me? I was tempted to reply just to see what he wants. Has he changed? Is he checking on Avery or just starting the same drama again? Will he pretend to care and call and talk to her on the phone daily for a few weeks only to start the mind games up again? Am I wrong for not finding out what he wants? HAS he changed?

I'm leaning towards no, he hasn't changed for a few reasons. 1. Another new number, across the country from his previous number. (I know you can get numbers from anywhere but both this number and previous number are cities he has lived in or frequently visited.) 2. He called at 0400. When I knew him he would frequently go out or hang with friends until wee hours of the morning. Normal people with normal jobs DON'T stay up until 0400 on a Thursday night/Friday morning. And 3. I just plain don't trust him and doubt any attempt at a change is all a front and things will come crashing down again in a short time.

That sounds horrible right? I've ignored my child's father since June 3rd. I haven't responded to a single phone call or text message. That makes me the crazy baby mamma that won't let a father see his child. Have any of you met him? He is his own special kind of crazy. Yes, I would love nothing more than for Avery to know her dad. I would love for them to have a great relationship. And if I'm being completely honest with myself I would like for Avery's parents to still be together and living under the same roof. But, that isn't going to happen. I can't live with someone I can't trust. I can't have a relationship with someone when I don't even know his real name. I can't trust him with my child when he makes comments about taking her and disappearing. I can't ignore the feeling that something isn't right every time I see his name or a new number show up on my phone. My child isn't a pawn in a creepy little game.

Should I tell him she's happy and thriving? Should he get to know that she's hilarious, intelligent, and loves to cuddle with mommy? Or that she loves her blankie and thumb when she goes to sleep? Maybe he is just wanting to see if she's doing ok. But what gives him the right to know that? If he was here from the beginning he would already know. If he wouldn't have started with the games, he would know. If he would have been honest from the start, he would know.

Part of me wants to believe that things can change, people can change. But, part of me wants him to take a long walk off a short cliff...


Canadian Bald Guy said...

What did he say in his text? I mean, if he truly wants to be part of his daughter's life he'll tell you...he'll offer suggestions on how it can work...he'll do whatever he can to be able to spend time with her.

I can't see him wanting to talk about his daughter at 4am...unless he was drunk, I suppose.

Honestly...if he truly wants to be part of her life, he'll tell you flat out that's what he wants.

Jen said...

He said "Hey Jen....are you there?"

Does it warrant even a "Yes"?

I am oddly curious as to what his response will be.

Moo's Mamma said...

A "hey are you there" text at 4 in the morning, sounds to me like a drunk text looking for some attention in the wee hours of the morn....From a dad that you would think.... would conceivably miss his daughter... you would think... I would expect more of a... tell her I love her... or.... I would like to see her.... maybe I'm just cynical....

Mom/Grandma said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mom/Grandma said...

He has been dishonest with you from the begining. Who is he really? Why so many different cell phone numbers? Why all the secrets? Who is he? I don't see him having some apiffanay and suddenly wanting to be father of the year. Or even just Dad. For your sanity and Averys well being , you might consider changing your #. He knows where you live and if he is serious about being a parent he will stop by to talk to you about it.

Sara B said...

Hmmm...I may have dated him before I met my husband...he sounds like most of my ex-boyfriends;)

No productive conversation was going to happen at 4am. Possibly an argument or a drunken promise to do better. But nothing meaningful.

If he wants to be a true, stable presence in Avery's life, you will know. If you have to question his sincerity, he's not being genuine.

Avery will not be upset with you about this. By the time she is old enough to understand what's going on, she will have no interest in taking time out of her amazing life to bother with absentee father if he decides, on a whim, that he wants to see her. She may also have a wonderful new father figure at some point in her childhood that will fill that role for her.

Stay strong!!

Jen said...

Goodness! I go to dinner and come back and COMMENT EXPLOSION! :)

I did receive another text from him this afternoon asking about Avery then a phone call. For some reason I answered the phone. I still don't understand what made me do it. I just got a feeling that I needed to answer the phone.

He asked only questions about Avery and apologized for not being there. His sincerity is still very much in question. I did make a snotty comment about something he said and he asked me to please not try to start an argument with him because he was trying to be a different person. I will give him credit there, before he would have immediately gone crazy and started yelling or hung up on me.

He also said that we both have very similar, very stubborn personalities (something I can't disagree with) so we're both going to need to learn to bite our tongues. But he does want to start being a father.

Given his past history, I'm still hesitant to even answer the phone or respond to a text message. I highly doubt there is sincerity to his motives. I also feel like I have given him multiple second chances and maybe he doesn't deserve another one.

But for now I'm going to struggle with all of this and try to sleep.

Thank you all for your sweet comments.

Mom/Grandma said...

One easy fast way to find out if he's serious about being a better person. Ask him for his social security card and drivers license. If he is unwilling to give it to you, change your phone number and have no further contact with him. For Averys sake and your.

Eileen said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I too had an absentee father. My mother re-married a wonderful man who is my dad. Blood doesn't mean anything if you don't do the work. I agree with your mom--you need to go after him for child support. Make that your sticking point for further contact with him.
I don't know any of the back story but it sounds like drama that you don't need in your life. You have done soooo well for yourself Jen...don't let anyone drag you or your beautiful baby girl down.